Deeper Connection
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Toki ran away from Norway in hopes of escaping the severe abuse of his father, he spent a year on the streets of America wondering if he'd ever find his place. Hope came around the time a blond haired guitarist began visiting him and talking to him. (Pre-Dethklok and early Dethklok years)
1. Chapter 1

Being on the streets at sixteen was terrifying, being in a different country, and barely having a grasp on the native language was twice as terrifying. Toki had managed to pick up some English from people who passed him by, there were times he would run into other homeless teenagers who would help him learn more English than he had learned back in Norway. He remembered his parents being against the English language; Hell they hadn't spoken much at all. They mostly spoke to yell bible verses or to tell him his place wasn't among other people, he had been scared to speak around his parents. He would; he'd cry out in pain or try to plead forgiveness, but for the most part he had seemed mute as a boy. Too scared to talk and no real reason to until he had started sneaking out and going into town knowing quite well that his parents would know and would be outside waiting for him when he'd get back.

They weren't here though, they were far away from here, and there was a fraction of safety in that. There was safety in knowing they didn't know where he was or he hoped that they didn't know...

Toki didn't get a whole lot of sleep; it was hard to. His first night in the states he had realized too late that he didn't know where to sleep. Not like he'd had much back home; some nights he'd be privileged enough for a bed no matter how hard or bumpy it was, most times he'd sleep out in the snow or down in the punishment hole. Here the weather changed constantly, a lot of the time it rained. He found it was scarier at night, loud noises, gun shots, and people yelling. He spent his first night inside of an emptied out dumpster doing his best to ignore the rotted smell of garbage. He would change from place to place, mostly he stayed in the same city. He would sleep on a pile of bags or boxes, in emptied and decaying buildings forgotten by time, or in the dumpsters. The only thing he really managed to keep with him was his guitar even though the thing was beaten up to hell and back from being dragged around through the constantly changing weathers, the other thing he kept was the clown doll he'd had since he was little. He knew enough to know he should feel dumb for keeping a doll, but it was his friend. He didn't have many people to talk to, just other passing kids who had no place to live. They had all been kicked out or run away like him, but they were born in America; they knew where they were and where they were going to go. Toki wasn't like them, some people treated him badly. Some would kick him, tease him, and search him for money only to find he was more broke than they were.

He would spend as much time as he could playing guitar, even if it made his fingers ache and bleed. He never wanted to forget how to play, it gave him a feeling of comfort like he couldn't be hurt. It made him feel special, less like the pathetic kid on the streets that would probably die there one of these days. He tried to think how long he had been here, close to a year he was pretty sure. He tried to remember the last time he had eaten, but he drew a blank on that as well. The last time he had slept was five days ago, he'd awoken from nightmares; those happened a bit. He'd dream of being home, that rope collar tied tightly around his throat like a noose promising to kill him if he struggled too badly while his father attacked him with the whip. He'd wake up feeling paranoid, paranoid that his parents knew where he was. They told him often that they could find him no matter where it was that he went, they would find him, and kill him. It scared him how badly they wanted him dead, but he couldn't really blame them for that. They hadn't planned on him being born, they had kept him out in the cold nearly naked just praying to the Gods that he would die of pneumonia. He was Death, he still couldn't wrap his mind around that.

Toki scolded himself for thinking about that; that was back then and this was now. This wasn't all that great; he was cold as hell, he was lonely, and still starving. The biggest point was being far away from his mother and father knowing or at least making himself believe that they couldn't get him again.

One day while he sat in the alleyway strumming guitar to distract himself from the distant sound of gun shots somebody approached him. His body tensed in automatic response to another person being so close, especially when they stopped and stood next to him. He could feel eyes on him, he only dared a small glance in the stranger's direction enough to notice white shoes and white pants. The person knelt down in hopes of getting the homeless teen to meet their eyes.

"You play pretty well"

The stranger, a man had a deep voice; he had an accent...It sounded familiar, Swedish?

Out of curiosity Toki turned to look in the man's direction, his playing went from decent to bad when he met the older man's bright blue eyes. The strange man was attractive, feminine actually; he had long wavy golden blond hair going down to the middle of his back, high cheekbones, and full lips. His outfit consisted of nothing but white, Toki would have thought it looked stupid on anybody other than this man. He tried to guess his age and figured he had to be in his early twenties.

"Thank you" The teen whispered feeling nervous all over again.

He didn't think the other man was dangerous, he didn't seem dangerous or cruel. He seemed nice if anything.

"I'm Skwisgaar, you have a name?"

He nodded slowly, "Toki" He replied making himself look at the older man again.

"Where did you come from?"

"Norway"

Skwisgaar glanced back behind him like he was looking for somebody, he shrugged then looked back at Toki.

"Long way from here isn't it, how did you get here?"

"By plane, a friend gave me the money."

"How old are you?"

"I'm sixteen"

He still couldn't figure out why this man was talking to him. He looked clean, like he had a place of his own to live, probably a girlfriend, and friends. Toki hadn't been lucky enough to see a mirror in a week or two, but he knew he looked terrible. He couldn't imagine somebody like Skwisgaar wasting his time on him like this.

"Shit and you...You live on the streets?"

"Yeah for about a year now, I think...I lost track of time." he answered stumbling through his English.

The older man winced at his reply, he looked sad; Toki couldn't exactly figure out why he would be sad.

"Hey Skwisgaar get your ass over here!" A deep voice called from somewhere back out of the alley.

Skwisgaar sighed, he stood brushing off his white jeans.

"Are you always here?"

"Yeah"

"I'll come and try to talk to you again sometime, that okay?" He asked shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

He stood there awkwardly, again the deep voice yelled for him again.

"Skwisgaar you fucking douche get your ass over here, Murderface is getting his ass kicked again!"

"Alright!" He yelled back over his shoulder.

He turned his attention back to Toki, he shrugged apologetically.

"So can we talk again?"

"Yeah sure, I'd like that"

"Good, I'll see you later Toki" He said smiling kindly at the teen before turning and leaving.

Toki held his guitar close to his body, he could just faintly hear Skwisgaar and his friends talking or more so yelling at one another. He wondered what they looked like, what they were like. He still couldn't figure out why Skwisgaar had spoken to him in the first place or why he said he'd see him again, but he doubted that. He'd met people on and off who promised to come talk to him or to meet up with him again. They never did though; they all moved to different cities, states, died, or got arrested. Nobody ever came back or remembered him, he found he was apparently very easy to forget about. He began playing again to try and forget that, he told himself that maybe the blond haired man dressed all in white would come talk to him again. Maybe he could make a friend, a real one not made of straw.


	2. Chapter 2

Toki went a week without Skwisgaar visiting him again; he guessed that's how it would go. The man had been nice enough to stop and speak to him for a few minutes, he appreciated it, and from time to time he thought about the blond haired man. He even had looked for him once or twice in the first days hoping to see a sign of him, but nothing. He expected that though, because people came and then they went away again; he wasn't important enough for anybody to actually remember or to care for. He was just happy somebody had talked to him in the first place.

The sounds of distant yelling and car horns caused the teen to flinch; they weren't anywhere near him and probably wouldn't come any closer, but the loud sounds scared the hell out of him. Rain fell heavy from the dark cloud filled sky making his filthy clothes cling to his small frame, he curled up more than he already was if that were possible. He felt cold, he was soaking wet and his hair was clinging to his face and to his neck. He wished he could go inside, but there was no place for him to hide out in today. The most he had was the alleyway he was hiding in hoping nobody would bother him.

Toki knew he shouldn't be bothered by the cold or the rain; he'd spent almost his entire life out in the snow. His parents had kept him in the house raising him on the bare minimum until he turned six and then they began putting him out day and night. He did small chores inside of the house when he was young, but by nine he was out doing harder chores that demanded nearly too much from his small body. He remembered the first time he had ever messed up, it had been inside of the house doing the dishes. He'd dropped a plate, his father had grabbed him by his hair so tightly that it burned his scalp. He had dragged his young son outside and forced him to kneel down while he whipped his back repeatedly with the whip he would soon learn to fear more than death. He had cried; he had screamed and cried until he couldn't do anything more. His father had left him outside like that; left him lying on the snow coated ground shaking either from the pain scorching his skin or the freezing snow against his bare skin. He had been left there until the following morning, he woke to his father dragging him back inside of the house by his hair, he remembered his blood staining the snow.

He knew how to survive bad conditions, but barely; he could live on the brink of death and bad health. He knew he wasn't smart enough to survive well, he just managed to do it and he hated himself for that. He hated how much he thought about his parents; the other day he'd seen a man in a black coat walk by, the man had slowed like he'd noticed the teen and for a horrifying second Toki had mistaken the man for his father. He had started to shake with fear until he realized the man was far too young to be the priest. The man had simply shrugged and went on with his day not worrying about the obviously shaken up boy in the alleyway.

Loud slurred voices could be heard near by, close enough Toki could make out some of what they were saying. None of it made sense to him, something about bars, and something else about sex. The voices all seemed to be male and getting closer making the teenager more and more nervous. He kept his eyes shut hoping they would just keep on going, not notice him, or not care about him at all.

"Hey look at this shit"

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Fuck if I know, kinda looks like a chick."

Somebody grabbed him by his hair roughly jerking his head back, Toki groaned from the stinging pain in his scalp. He opened his eyes to see three men all probably in their twenties. The one gripping his hair was tall, arms large and muscular, he had dark brown eyes and tanned skin, and his curly brown hair clung to his head soaked from the rain. The brown eyed man pulled him by his hair shoving him face first onto the concrete ground.

"Guess it's a dude, looks like a beat up dog." He said laughing before giving the teen a hard kick to his side.

Toki remained lying on the ground hoping the three drunken men would just go away. He didn't want to get beaten up again, he'd gone awhile without this, normally when people beat on him it was because they were hoping to steal from him, but these people were just doing it to amuse themselves.

"Hey get up kid" The man said again nudging him with the toe of his converse.

He pushed the teen onto his side.

"Come on Jack let's just go do something else, kid is fucking boring."

The brown eyed man, Jack looked back at his two friends who didn't really seem concerned about the homeless boy's well being; they genuinely did seem utterly bored to have to stand out in the freezing rain while Jack picked on some teenager.

"Fine just let me see if the little fuck has anything worth taking."

He hauled Toki up onto his feet shoving him back against the wall of the building he'd previously been sitting against. He shoved his hands into his pockets searching, but came up completely empty.

"He's completely fucking broke." He announced, Jack stepped back making Toki think they would just leave him alone and go back to whatever they were doing before.

He didn't have time to react before Jack punched him hard in the face knocking his head back against the wall. He also didn't have any time to think before he lunged at the larger man shoving him down onto the ground, he sat straddling Jack's stomach. He began punching the older man in the face as hard as he could ignoring the burning in his arm muscles. He didn't stop until rough hands were hauling him off and tossing him away; he hit hard against a dumpster then fell to the ground. He watched as the other two men pulled their very bloodied and beaten friend to his feet and dragged him out and back onto the street. Toki gave himself a moment to collect himself, to calm down, and watch the rain wash the blood from his face and hands. He then got up, collected what few belongings he did have hidden in the dumpster then ran knowing damn well that they would call the police and claim he'd tried to mug them. He'd return to the spot, but not for a couple of days just in case. He went maybe five blocks only stopping when he was close to a row of apartment buildings he knew people much better off lived in. He knew he should probably go find a gas station or some place, sneak into the bathrooms and see how badly beaten up he was, but he was tired. He also felt that weird nagging guilt that happened any time he went off like that. It rarely happened, he didn't even know why and it scared the fuck out of him. He spent a good portion of his life being docile and innocent, just he had moments where he blacked out. He let too many things build up inside his mind, got too stressed, too scared, or too angry then something happened. He didn't know what it was; he just knew he blacked out, he didn't know anything. He just felt this overwhelming rage and like something barely human was making him hurt people. His father had told him it was the demon in him, he was cursed to be a killer no matter what he did.

It wasn't until his first fight when he was thirteen did he start to believe that. A boy in town had been throwing rocks at him, calling him names, and next thing Toki knew he was being pulled off of the kid who was now bleeding and in desperate need of medical attention. He had spent weeks scared to go into town after that, scared he'd just go off again and do that, or maybe worse. He'd nearly killed somebody without realizing it, without really remembering it, but he knew while it was happening it felt good almost. That's what made it all the worse.

He tried pushing the thoughts and fears away as he curled up with his guitar and fell asleep to the sound of the pouring rain.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Yeah I know I was going to do all this earlier, but I really want to do well with this story so kind of got all "nope" and deleted most of it. Right so promise no more deleting chapters.

Skwisgaar returned the the alleyway where he'd met the homeless teenager. He needed the break from his band mates anyway; he clenched and unclenched his fist still feeling the pain in his arm from where Magnus had grabbed his wrist and thrown him into the wall. He had to admit that he was still shaken up from the fight, it wasn't even really much of a fight. He didn't want to think about it all that much. Skwisgaar pulled out his pack of cigarettes, he removed one sticking it between his lips and lighting it. He took a drag then released the gray smoke into the already polluted air, he hated how polluted the air in America was. It always got on his nerves how people treated their environment here; not like he'd say that around his friends. He held his hand out noting his hand was shaking, a ring of bruises forming on his wrist. Fucker.

He walked through the alley in hopes of finding the teenager, the kid had been nice enough. He felt bad for him, he remembered running away from Sweden and not having much. He hadn't been homeless though; he'd known a guy in Sweden who knew a guy in America who could put him up until he could get on his own. He'd never had to live on his own; he'd always gone from band to band which meant from couch to couch and spare bedroom to spare bedroom. Now he was in another band staying in another dump of a house with another group of guys, but these guys he got along with. These guys he actually considered his friends, but right now it was tense and he didn't really want to go back to Mordhaus just yet. He wanted to find Toki and talk to him some more, make sure the kid was okay. He was disappointed to see that the alley appeared to be completely vacant; he even checked inside of the dumpster thinking maybe he was hiding out in there. Now what?

Skwisgaar leaned back against the dumpster and continued smoking his cigarette hoping the nicotine would do something for his nerves. He didn't like getting into fights; he wasn't really built for fighting. He could yell and scream, throw a full blown childlike tantrum for hours on end until he exhausted himself out both physically and mentally, but physically fighting wasn't really his thing. He could fight, he could stand his ground if he had to, but he didn't like it. Especially if there was a chance his hair or face could be damaged, it was a very vain reason, but it was one none the less. That wasn't why fighting with Magnus bothered him though; he hadn't even fought back or given the lead guitarist a reason to fight him. It had been happening too much lately ever since they got signed to the stupid label. Skwisgaar heard Nathan talking to Pickles about maybe kicking Magnus out of the band; he was as for it as he wasn't. They were all friends, he liked the man, but at the same time he scared the shit out of him anymore. He was even too afraid to ask him what was going on, he liked to think that it was only stress...That was all, besides Magnus had been right he hadn't been playing well.

"Hey Skwisgaar"

He looked up to see somebody running towards him, he smirked when he realized it was Toki. He really wasn't sure what it was about the kid, but he liked him. When he was close enough he saw the black eye and split lip, Skwisgaar moved away from the dumpster so he could get a closer look at the younger man's face. He placed two fingers beneath his chin gently tipping his head back. Skwisgaar dropped his cigarette on the ground stubbing it out with the toe of his boot.

"What happened?"

Toki pulled back from him, he shook his greasy hair out so that it covered his bruised right eye.

"Just got into a fight"

That made two of them then, though looked like the teen got it worse by a long shot.

"Tell me what happened, they take anything from you?"

He looked him over noticing he still had the guitar case slung over his shoulder and that stupid fanny back of his. As far as Skwisgaar could tell nobody stole anything of his, nothing obvious anyway.

"No they were just some drunk guys, it's okay really."

"Assholes, city is full of them; why not stay in a shelter?"

"No I can't do that, they'll want to put me into foster care or something." He sounded disgusted by the idea.

Skwisgaar reached out ruffling his hair only to have Toki playfully shove his hand away.

"Might be good don't you think, you aren't doing too good out here."

He wasn't in the worst condition; Skwisgaar noticed a lot of homeless kids, teens, and college aged people here. He'd seen them in worse shape than Toki was; other than the fact he looked under weight, beaten up at the moment, and like he was in desperate need of a bath he seemed okay. Skwisgaar worried that could change at any moment, he'd gone this long without anything too severe happening.

"I'm doing okay, I got rid of them."

"You?" Skwisgaar asked crossing his arms over his chest.

Toki grinned looking up at him.

"I'm not that weak you know"

"Please you're a little baby"

"Am not"

"Whatever you say little Tokis, I just worry."

"Why?"

Good question; he wasn't sure why he worried. He'd talked to this kid what, one time? It hadn't even been much of a conversation; he'd learned the teenager could play guitar, his name, he was from Norway, and he was a run away. He didn't know anything about him and he hadn't started thinking about him again until late. Seriously though he really had meant to go looking for him again, just things had come up.

"You seem nice, that's all."

"I didn't even think you'd come back, I looked for you, but then figured you weren't coming back."

"Yeah well here I am"

He noticed that Toki was looking at his hands, he looked down to realize he was still trembling slightly.

"You okay?"

He genuinely seemed concerned, Skwisgaar wasn't entirely used to that. Nobody at Mordhaus had asked if he was alright, he wasn't sure any of them noticed him slip out the front door while they had Magnus restrained. He really hoped to Odin that things would be calm by the time he did decide to go back.

"Yeah I'm okay, I'm just having a really rough day."

Toki tilted his head to the side looking curiously at the older male. He was rather sure that if Toki had a good bath and some clean clothes he'd be rather pretty.

"Do you live with anybody, like a girlfriend or anything?"

Skwisgaar laughed, Toki seemed confused by his laughter. Just the thought of himself having a girlfriend was funny, he'd had them, but nothing long standing. Lately he hadn't even had a string of one night stands; he wasn't sure he could bring ladies back to Mordhaus with the tension there as of recently.

"I live with a group of guys I know." He finally answered.

"Oh cool"

"When is the last time you had something to eat?"

"Um...I don't really remember, maybe last week; I think.."

"I'm taking you somewhere to eat, it's bad if you don't even know the last time you ate. You'll probably starve to death."

"You don't have to do that, I'm okay."

"No you're not and I really don't want to go home right now. So I got some time to kill, yeah?"

"Places don't really like seeing me, drives away customers." The younger man said gesturing to his torn clothes.

Skwisgaar just noticed he didn't even have socks on and his shoes looked ready to just fall apart. He really didn't understand how this kid wasn't sick or dead.

"Fuck them, come on." He slung an arm around the younger man's shoulders leading him away from the alleyway.

He felt like being nice, he wasn't sure why. The dumb teenager just made him feel protective, maybe. He didn't now how to place it, he just knew that he didn't want to be anywhere near Magnus right now and he needed to distract his mind for an hour or two. He took the younger man to a near by restaurant that he knew shouldn't say anything, if they tried he'd happily yell at the bastards. He could just lie and say Toki was his little brother, he got into a fight at school or something. It didn't matter, he'd think of something. He noticed how the teen did seem embarrassed and shy as fuck when they entered the building. He avoided eye contact with other people and kept his hands in his pockets like he was waiting to just be screamed at; Skwisgaar was still trying to picture this malnourished kid winning at a fight. Other than a couple of dirty looks from waiters and a few assholes whispering about how filthy Toki looked once the two had passed nobody said much in the way of trying to kick them out. They sat down at a booth in the back of the building, he figured Toki would be less awkward and shy if they were away from everybody else. The young woman who waited on them was nice enough, she looked like the kind of girl Skwisgaar wouldn't mind having a one night stand with. He winked at her and told her she looked pretty, he ordered their drinks and watched her walk away. Too bad Magnus was being psychotic.

"Why did you come to America, should have chosen some place better." Skwisgaar said once the two of them were alone.

Toki shrugged, he glanced around before meeting the older man's eyes.

"Something in my head just told me to, like there's something here for me."

"That's kind of crazy"

"Why did you come here?"

"Plenty of girls and guys to hook up with." He replied shrugging.

"Hook up?"

"Yeah you know have sex"

Toki went to ask something else, but the waitress returned with their drinks. Skwisgaar ordered a salad for himself and a burger for the teen; he wasn't really fond of American food, but he figured the teen should eat as much as possible. God knew how long it'd be until he got another meal after this.

"So why did you leave home?"

"It was bad there"

"Must have been a real hell for you to run this far away."

Skwisgaar figured it was probably something as stupid as his own reason from running away from home. He knew he could have stuck it out, but he knew his mom wasn't good for him. She could be over protective and demeaning, relied on him too heavily between men. He'd hated it, hated having to take care of her and play the grown up when she was busy partying and acting like a teenager. She'd practically killed his youth. He felt like Toki would relate to that if he chose to tell him, there was something in his eyes that said he'd seen way too much already. He looked and acted innocent enough, but his demeanor around people just seemed like he'd been through some bad situations. Skwisgaar wanted to know more as much as he didn't; he hardly knew him and there was a chance he really wouldn't see him again after this.

"Did you have a fight with your friends?" Toki asked breaking the silence that had grown between them.

"Just one of them"

The younger man nodded like he understood that. When their food arrived Skwisgaar watched as the kid picked at his food for a minute or two like he was scared to eat any of it. He didn't eat until Skwisgaar told him that it was okay, then he seemed to just devour it; he definitely hadn't eaten in a long time. He had to wonder what the fuck had gone on at his home for him to run away so far and to live like this, he stopped thinking about it. Not good to get attached to some kid on the streets; he'd like to do something for him, but there wasn't much. He could take him back to Mordhaus, but the guys would be dicks about it, and Odin fucking knew how Magnus would react. He wasn't even happy with having Skwisgaar around, he couldn't imagine bringing in somebody else.

The two of them ate and talked, he learned Toki had been playing guitar for a few years now. He asked how he had gotten his guitar and found out he'd used to have two of them. One of them he'd found out in the snow, he'd tripped over it while he was walking through the woods. It reminded Skwisgaar of how he'd find his own, except he'd more so been running and fallen down into a pit. Honestly the fall should have broken every bone in his body but he'd been just fine minus a bruise or two. He still couldn't figure out how he'd come out fine. He told Toki that he was in a death metal band, they were signed and supposed to be working on their first album but they were having some personal problems. He didn't mention it had to do with their lead guitarist turning into a lunatic.

Once they were finished they left taking their time as they walked, he didn't feel alright with leaving Toki on his own it was like taking a pet dog out into the middle of the highway and leaving it just assuming it'd be okay until you came back for it.

"You sure you're okay here, there's a shelter you can stay at like two blocks away. I can take you there or something."

"I'm okay, really Skwisgaar I've been doing this for a year now. You'll come back though, right?" He asked looking up at the blond haired man hopefully.

"Yeah Tokis I'll come back, I won't take so long this time though. I'll see you later, just try not to get your ass kicked anymore."

"Okay I won't, bye Skwisgaar."

"Bye kid"

With that he turned and left making his way back to Mordhaus. He walked as far as he could without needing a taxi, the longer it took the better he felt. He felt nervous when he got back home, it sort of reminded him of all the times he didn't want to go back home as a boy. The times his mom would keep a few men over, mean men who would bully him. She would be drunk and so would they, she wouldn't care that they teased her son or shoved him into walls or pulled at his hair calling him a sissy. She was drunk and said it was just them having fun, if he could help it he'd stay away from home those times. He'd come back when she'd call his friend's house crying and telling him she was sorry and it was okay to come back now. He wasn't a boy anymore though, he was a man, and yet here he was not really wanting to be back home. He took a moment before walking inside; he felt a false sense of security when he walked into the nearly pitch black living room. Maybe the others had gone out, that would be nice or they were all sleeping. Somebody grabbed him by his throat slamming him hard against the wall.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

He tried to push Magnus away from him, but the older man kicked him in the stomach.

"I was out, I'm allowed to go out." He spat back angrily.

He was so fucking tired of this.

"We need to get working on this record Skwisgaar, you can't go out and fuck women all day."

"I wasn't you asshole."

Magnus shoved him to the floor, he gave him a kick in the ass knocking him flat on his face. He stepped over the breathless Swede and went back to his own bedroom slamming the door shut behind him. Skwisgaar remained on the floor for a second or two, he was shaking all over again. He climbed to his feet and quickly went to his room closing and locking the door behind him, he undressed and got into bed pulling the white fur blanket up over his head. This was too much like being a boy again, he wasn't okay with it. Something needed to change.


	4. Chapter 4

The waiting room of a hospital was really not the place that Skwisgaar wanted to be at one in the morning, but here he was with the rest of his band minus Nathan who was currently having a knife removed from his back and Magnus who was God knew where. Honestly Skwisgaar didn't want to know where; his back still hurt from where the ex-guitarist had slammed him into that wall.

"Think Nathan's okay?" Skwisgaar asked looking at Pickles who sat across from him.

Despite the amount of times the nurses had told him not to the drummer held a lit cigarette in his right hand.

"Yeah no Nathan's fine, fucker's huge. If he could beat Magnus' face in like that with a knife sticking outta his freaking back then he's alright."

He'd never seen Nathan that pissed off before, he hadn't seen Magnus that pissed before and lately rage seemed to have been his only mood. Skwisgaar ran a shaky hand back through his blond hair wincing at the sharp pain in his back. He knew he could be in worse condition, the asshole had nearly smashed his skull in with a guitar. He couldn't say he was too sad that Magnus was gone now, he felt better about going back to Mordhaus, about recording, and sleeping at night. He didn't have to lock his door and prop a chair beneath the handle just in case, he could watch television without worrying that he'd get his ass kicked for sitting and not working on new music. He couldn't grasp how things had gone so badly, but they had. He thought back to the day Nathan had introduced him to the then lead guitarist, he'd been nice. He hadn't talked a whole lot, but he'd been nice to Skwisgaar and close to the rest of the guys. The two of them had grown close and then after they had gotten signed his state of sanity just dropped completely. The change happened so quickly they all pretended not to notice, pretended it was just the stress building up. Fuck the stress was building up for all of them, especially now. Nobody had exactly wanted to admit that their friend was losing his mind completely, but they would on occasion when Magnus wasn't around to listen to them. They had wanted to kick him out awhile ago, they had wanted to kick him out the first time he attacked Pickles during practice. Skwisgaar had been the one to talk them out of it, had told them he was just freaked out, he didn't mean it. Now they were in a hospital and Nathan had a fucking knife in his back, Skwisgaar partially blamed himself for this. He should have just let them do what they wanted; they knew Magnus better than him and it was sort of their band. He knew better than to say he was sorry, it was dumb and really just completely pointless. Nobody blamed him or at least they weren't going to say that they did, not that he knew of.

Nathan came out into the waiting room, he walked stiffly and cringed when he moved his arms.

"How bad is it?"

"Eh not bad, fucking stitches and I almost broke my hand smashing his fucking face in. I need a drink, come on assholes let's get out of here."

They all wordlessly followed the large vocalist out into the cold night air, they climbed into the dirty black van that belonged to their bassist and went to the nearest bar that didn't look like complete shit. Nobody really talked; they just sat in a corner and drank as much as they could afford. Skwisgaar tried to stop thinking about Magnus, but he couldn't. The alcohol took the edge off a little, but not quite enough. Though the girl with the long brown hair and combat boots who kept staring at him helped. By an hour in he was talking to her, stroking her arm, and telling her how gorgeous she was. He noticed his friends looking at him then talking amongst themselves, they never understood how he kept picking up women and men nearly every place that they'd go. Now that Magnus was out of the band he felt more comfortable bringing people back to the house, there was no angry asshole to forcibly throw them out then beat the hell out of him. Skwisgaar left the bar before the others, they took her car back to Mordhaus; he was pretty sure she'd told him her name, but it didn't really matter. Names weren't exactly important, the fact she could tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue was important, and so were her long nails scratching down his back while they fucked. Those things were important, he liked the way she bit at his neck and moaned. The sound of it was genuine, he couldn't stand over reactors; he'd have sex with them, but would sometimes kick them out. He liked it better when his sexual partners weren't just trying to imitate porn stars; he liked the feeling of somebody actually being aroused by him. It was an ego boost, this was a much needed ego boost. At one point he heard the front door open then slam shut, he figured it was his friends finally coming back. He was a bit too preoccupied to give a fuck though, he'd hear about it in the morning about how he needs to keep it down and maybe try talking less when he's fucking.

He offered to let her sleep over, he always did. Not because he genuinely cared about them, but he felt like an asshole just telling somebody to get dressed and get out. She told him she'd be okay going home and thanked him, he hadn't really wanted her to stay over anyhow. This was the first night he could get some sleep and he wanted to take full advantage of it. He passed out shortly after he heard the sound of the front door clicking shut, he woke up two hours later to the sound of lights being turned on and doors slamming. He pulled on his jeans and stumbled into the living room wincing at the bright light meeting sore hung over eyes. He noticed his friends standing around looking shaken up then noticed what they were all staring at. The living room was wrecked, not totally unusual, but the writing on the wall was new.

"Is that fucking blood?" Skwisgaar asked looking at the message of revenge written on the wall in dripping red letters.

Murderface was the only one of them willing to go up and touch the still wet liquid on the wall.

"Yeah that's blood"

"Dude don't fucking touch it, fuck should we call the fucking cops or some shit?" Pickles asked seeming the most freaked out by this.

"No fucking cops, it's not a big deal."

Skwisgaar wanted to ask who would do this, but he knew who did it. Who the fuck else would get into their house and write in blood that he would have revenge?

"Big deal; dude he fucking stabs you then does this shit. We need to call the fucking cops." Pickles said turning to glare up at Nathan.

The singer seemed disturbingly calm about the situation, he was still looking at the wall ignoring his shaken up band mates.

"I said it's not a big fucking deal. Magnus is out, he's just being an asshole about it. We'll change the locks on the doors and that will solve that."

"Blood Nathan he just wrote in fucking blood on the fucking wall after he stabbed you."

"Yeah I fucking know that, look we can tell Ofdensen about it in the morning if that will make you feel any better." Nathan answered finally looking down at Pickles.

"What will he do about it?"

"He's the lawyer that's his problem. Just go back to fucking sleep, we'll paint over it later."

With that Nathan turned and left going back to his bedroom and slamming the door behind him.

"Man don't paint over it, looks fucking bad ass fucking blood on the wall."

"Shut up Murderface"

Skwisgaar watched as the drummer went out of the room; he noticed his hands shaking. He knew Pickles had been about as close to Magnus as he himself had been, neither of them had been really happy to see him go insane or be kicked out of the band. Both of them were also scared what the ex-guitarist could do. Skwisgaar looked back at the wall; he was scared he couldn't deny that to himself. He could pretend he wasn't scared, could say that he wasn't scared, but he was. He didn't know what he meant, he'd hurt all of them at one point or another, had tried to kill Nathan before he left and now this. Was he going to try and kill them?

He didn't want to think about this. He went back to bed closing and locking the door behind him, even propping the chair under the handle. He had a paranoia now that Magnus would come into his room to slit his throat. Skwisgaar had several nightmares about waking up with the guitarist on top of him, knife in hand and his face bloodied from where Nathan had beaten him up. He had another where Magnus came in through the window with a gun ready to blow Skwisgaar's brains out. He gave up on sleep pretty quickly after that, decided it wasn't too early to start binge drinking again. He was pleased to find at least one unopened bottle of vodka hiding in one of the cabinets. The drinking didn't help his forming hang over, but half a bottle in his head no longer hurt and he found his way to the living room laying on the couch his long legs dangling over the arm of it. He held the bottle limply in his hand and stared blankly at the blood stained wall.

Stupid fucking bastard.

Did they really need two guitarists?

Skwisgaar was much better than Magnus, the bastard was too uptight and too technical. He never put any passion into it, he spent more time yelling at the Swedish musician and beating him up than he did actually playing. Asshole didn't know anything about music, nothing about being in a band or being famous. He'd never be able to enjoy making money, fucking groupies, or getting wasted. He'd probably just become more of a bastard over time. Skwisgaar wondered momentarily why his old friend had been such a bastard, what he'd done to make him hate him so much. They used to get along, Magnus would tell him how good he was and he was happy to work with him. Then it changed, compliments turned to insults and then he just went straight out abusive. If Skwisgaar fucked up or Magnus thought he wasn't playing fast enough he would pull his hair or knock him to the ground, kick the fuck out of him until Nathan pulled him off top of him. Magnus would give him such shit. Skwisgaar didn't know why he took it from him, he couldn't explain it. Something about it just made him feel like a teenager again, made him revert back to allowing somebody older and stronger than him hurt him. He refused to let anybody else treat him that way, not ever again. He shouldn't have had to deal with it as a boy and he knew he shouldn't have to deal with it as an adult. That was the end, he would not go through that abuse again. Skwisgaar was done with it.


	5. Chapter 5

"What is Ofdensen going to do about Magnus?" Skwisgaar asked when Nathan came back to Mordhaus after a one on one meeting with the band's lawyer.

Nobody else had wanted to go, besides Nathan had been the one the ex-guitarist had stabbed in the back.

"He said we need to start looking for a new guitarist and to not worry about it, he's taking care of shit." The front man said, he headed back into the kitchen in search of beer.

He returned in time to hear Skwisgaar begin to complain.

"New guitarist, we don't need another fucking guitarist."

"Uh yeah we do asshole, it's metal we need two guitarists."

"Why can't I be the only guitarist in our band, it didn't work out having two."

"Look you get to be lead this time shouldn't that make you stop bitching or something?"

He'd been moody ever since Magnus had been removed from the band. It was only forty-eight hours but it was still enough to drive the rest of the band completely crazy, at one point Murderface had told him he acted like a girl on her period only to start a brand new type of bitch fit from the guitarist.

"God can't you just shut up, fuck it's just another douche bag in the band. So what?" Murderface asked from his spot on the floor, he looked behind him long enough to glare at Skwisgaar then returned his attention to the TV again.

"No it isn't just another douche bag, you saw how the last dildo turned out. We can be a one guitar band I don't see the big deal."

"Most metal bands have two guitarists, that's the big fucking deal."

Nathan was already sick of hearing him complain; he couldn't remember ever hearing the blond bitch so much, he didn't even want to guess what that was about. Pickles seemed the least bothered by it, he'd heard plenty of feminine musicians whine and complain like divas back when he'd been the singer of his own band, he even had to admit he'd been guilty of it a few times.

"Well we aren't other metal bands, isn't that what you assholes are always saying?"

"Yeah, but we still have to have two fucking guitarists."

"Bull shit"

"Look I started this fucking band and I always planned on two guitarists. If it makes you feel any fucking better you can choose."

"Bad idea Nathan, he'll go around the city call everybody a dildo then say there are literally no guitarist in the fucking area."

Pickles didn't have to turn to look to know that Skwisgaar was glaring at him and probably pouting as well, he loved to pout.

"Then how do we do it, anybody we choose he's going to fucking hate."

"Relax man I'll fucking put out an ad, go around and find some douche bags to audition. Then pretty boy there can fucking pick somebody."

"and when I tell them all to go fuck themselves?"

Pickles rolled his eyes, they'd pick somebody he knew Nathan wouldn't let their band be with only one guitarist.

"Then you can be the only guitarist in the band, better now?"

"Sure, whatever" Nathan grunted.

Skwisgaar made an annoyed sound that Pickles accepted as an agreement to the plan. He knew it'd take a good week to find enough people for there to at least be a chance. If he just got thirty or even fifty then Skwisgaar would throw them all out before they could state their names or play a single fucking note. He'd have to get at least a hundred or more musicians, he assumed Skwisgaar would decide on somebody but he also doubted it highly. He himself didn't like the idea of picking out a complete stranger. They had always been made up of people they knew, they knew the Swedish guitarist the least, but they still knew them. Nathan had known him through a friend or two; he used to sleep on couches and bitch about Americans. He had accepted the offer to join the band even if he had seemed bored and like they were asking him to perform some tedious chore instead of a chance to make millions of dollars. He was a damn good musician and not a complete bastard or diva if anybody decided to be around him long enough to find that out. Magnus had been somebody they had all known back before deciding to start a band, he'd just found his way into their circle of friends and that had been great. Pickles still had no clue where that went wrong, but he knew his friend had never fucking yelled at him like that before like he did the night they threw him out of the band. He knew it was bothering Skwisgaar like crazy, he'd liked Magnus a lot almost like he was better than Skwisgaar could ever dream of being. He figured it had something to do with his new attitude towards the idea of another guitarist. Maybe it'd be less messy picking a stranger off of the streets instead of asking a cousin or close friend, if they didn't work out then they could kick them out without worrying about ruining a friendship or causing some not needed drama. Pickles figured he could spend the rest of the day getting drunk and then he could go in search of people to try out for the vacant spot in their band. He made a mental note to get completely stoned the day of the auditions though, there was no way in fuck he was going to be sober and listen to Skwisgaar complain for another day.

Skwisgaar sick of being stuck inside, sick of thinking about Magnus, sick of his band mates, and sick of talking about replacing his old friend finished off his drink then headed out. He knew his friends would be relieved to have him out of the house so they wouldn't have to listen to him complain anymore. He didn't really mean to bitch, okay he meant to; he couldn't help it, it was another crap trait he had gotten from his mother. He just needed away for awhile, an hour or two; he didn't really want to think about getting somebody else. He didn't want to risk that they would suck at guitar or that they would try to boss him around. He didn't want to live in the same house with somebody he would hate or couldn't tolerate; bad enough there were times where he couldn't stand his current band mates. It was hard living in a small house with a group of people, Nathan promised that when they got rich they'd get a huge house so that way they could avoid each other easily if they wanted to. Skwisgaar liked the idea of that, there were plenty of times he wanted to be alone. He spent time alone in his room, except for the times he had men and women in there with him but they hardly counted as actual company.

He walked down the street avoiding the people that passed him by, some women would glance his way and wink. For once he hoped none of them would approach him; he really didn't feel like going back to Mordhaus or worrying about another persons pleasure.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him, he whirled around irritated ready to tell the stranger not to touch him. His muscles relaxed when he saw it was only Toki, the younger man noticed the annoyed look on his face and quickly retracted his hand; he fumbled nervously with his fingers eyes downcast.

"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you or anything" the younger man spoke quickly, nervously.

"Hey it's alright, I've just been really stressed lately. I didn't think I'd see you out here."

Toki looked up meeting his eyes again, he smiled.

"Where else would I be, I'm homeless."

"Don't be a smart ass, nobody likes a smart ass."

He slung an arm around the other man's shoulders, they began walking down the street together. Okay maybe now he could be less stressed out, something about the teenager made him feel less stressed out anyway. He was relieved to see him again, to see he wasn't all bruised up and he seemed okay for the most part. They walked together until Toki took his hand and lead him down an alleyway, he gathered it was his current sleeping space. There was a ratty blanket laid out on the wet concrete and a box large enough to fit a person sat on its side. Toki sat down, Skwisgaar sat down across from him; he refrained from complaining out loud about the dirt touching his clothes. He noticed something lying just inside of the box, Skwisgaar picked the object up; he held it up so the light of the street lamps would catch allowing him a better view. It looked like a doll made of sticks apparently, the eyes were black buttons and it had a red nose sort of like a clown.

"This yours?"

Toki grabbed the doll from him holding it close to his chest like he was protecting it.

"Yeah he's my friend"

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow, "Friend, you're way too old for dolls Toki."

The teenager glared at him, "No I'm not, he makes me feel safe."

He looked back down to the doll cradled in his arm and smiled softly. With anybody else Skwisgaar would relentlessly make fun of them, but with Toki something about it was...Endearing? He wasn't sure what it made him feel and he wasn't in the mood to exactly explore that feeling.

"Where did you get that thing anyway?"

"I found it when I was little, I spent a lot of time alone so this is all I had."

"Where were your parents?"

"Inside"

Skwisgaar was confused by that, Toki placed the doll back inside of the box; the way he sat it down was so gentle you'd think it was made of glass.

"Inside where?"

"The house, I wasn't allowed in the house when I was bad."

"I see"

He didn't understand, he didn't feel comfortable making him talk about it. They didn't know each other well enough to talk about how weird and shit their childhoods were, maybe some other time. If there was another time, he hadn't even figured on seeing him this time around.

"How are things with your friends?"

"Annoying, they're fucking assholes."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, that's why I left the stupid house to get away from them. I've been stressed out for so fucking long now and I ran out of cigarettes."

He glared when the teen started to laugh.

"What's funny?"

"You complain like a girl"

"Do not"

"Yes you do, you're totally pouting."

"Least I don't look like a girl unlike you."

Toki shrugged, "Guys tell me I'd make a pretty one if I was."

Skwisgaar continued to pout at least for the moment. He watched as Toki reached into his fanny pack grabbing out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter handing them over to the blond haired man.

"How did you get these?"

"Stole them off a guy at the bus stop while he wasn't looking."

Skwisgaar grinned, he was impressed by that. He took out a cigarette then handed the pack back to the other man. Toki removed one for himself, Skwisgaar lit his own then lit the younger man's cigarette.

"You shouldn't smoke"

"Neither should you"

Skwisgaar watched the younger man; he still couldn't exactly figure out why he had approached him in the first place. He never really cared all that much about the people he saw in the city, especially people around his age range. Normally he never would have stopped to talk to some homeless teenager in an alleyway. Admittedly Toki's guitar playing had cause him to stop in the first place, but it didn't explain talking to him after that. He was decent at guitar, he seemed nice, and those didn't seem like enough reasons to want to repeatedly talk to the younger man. Now that he thought about it he was glad he had found him again and this time as well.

Toki noticed him staring, Skwisgaar shrugged and looked away.

"What?"

"Nothing"

He looked out towards the street watching the cars and people go by, barely anybody really looked at them. He wondered if any of them thought both of them were homeless or just thought they were bored young people with literally nothing better to do with their time. Skwisgaar gave it a minute before looking at Toki out of the corner of his eye again, the brunette was looking at him. He smirked when he caught Skwisgaar watching him again.

"I can't be that fun to watch"

"Not really"

He wondered what would happen to him. He was young enough that he could still go somewhere with his life. He could get a job somewhere, maybe; if he washed up and got some clothes that fit him better and weren't ready to fall apart. He'd be fine; the kid survived this long he could go longer and get his life together. Get it started. He'd get a crap part time job, a girlfriend or boyfriend whatever he liked, and he'd be alright. Nothing for Skwisgaar to worry about, why was he worrying? He didn't know the guy. He thought about himself and his own future; if this guitarist thing worked out his way or his band's way then they'd be rich within a year or less, hopefully less. They would build a new Mordhaus; something brutal and huge. Him and his band would get rich, he'd be living better than he had ever lived in his lifetime. Yet somehow he just worried about where the hell Toki would be, he knew he'd be far away from here so the chances of seeing the teenager again were nonexistent. It made him feel like an asshole.

"You okay?"

"I'm alright just over thinking, it's no big deal."

"What are you over thinking about?"

Skwisgaar turned his full attention on the other man.

"You if you have to know"

Toki seemed interested now.

"Me?"

"Yeah you're a fucking teenager living out here, I worry about you."

He felt like an idiot worrying about somebody he barely knew.

"Nothing to worry about, I'm okay out here."

"Really?"

The younger man shifted uncomfortably, he stubbed his cigarette out on the ground.

"Not always" He whispered.

"It gets scary and sometimes I wonder why I even came here or I worry my parents will find me."

"They're not here, right?"

"No"

"Then they won't find you"

He had to wonder about what happened, it had to be bad that he feared his parents would come looking for him. Skwisgaar wondered if that would be so bad though, if he was back home then he wouldn't be out on the streets.

Toki moved so that he was sitting next to the older man, Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around him and Toki rest his head on his shoulder.

He knew he should go back by now, but with the way he'd been acting lately and the left over Magnus aftermath stress he knew his friends probably were okay with him being gone for another hour or two. Besides he was enjoying spending time with somebody who didn't know what an immature asshole he could be.


	6. Chapter 6

Skwisgaar wasn't looking forward to the auditions, he already hated every single one of them. While the rest of his band talked amongst themselves he sat in the back playing his guitar and pouting. He'd complained all morning and then complained in the van on the way to the building and now he was prone to silence.

"Dude they'll start coming in, in like a few fucking minutes so try and not be a douche bag. Okay?" Pickles asked glaring in the guitarist's direction.

Skwisgaar played a bit faster, he narrowed his eyes at the older man.

"I can't promise anything"

"Just don't be a total dick, there's like a hundred people. You gotta fucking like one of them."

"if I don't?"

"Then we'll be a one guitar band and hopefully we don't gotta hear you bitch for the next two weeks."

Skwisgaar took slight offense to the comment; he didn't feel like he complained that much. Then again he was the one doing the complaining, he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to be around somebody like himself. Even he got on his own nerves some of the time. He felt he was justified on this though; nobody could be better than Magnus and nobody could be as good as himself. He was very much decided on that already. The rest of the band already agreed that they wouldn't say anything, no input from them. They would just sit back and let the Swedish guitarist go through people, because they really didn't feel like getting into a bitch fight with him over this again.

It was a relief when the first group of people came in; a relief as in it was finally starting. Out of eight people Skwisgaar told three of them to fuck off before they could even open their guitar cases, the others barely got one note out before Skwisgaar out played them. He hated them; they all looked and sounded like talentless idiots. He listened to them mutter to themselves about how much of a dick he was, how he didn't even give any of them a chance. He didn't feel like they deserved a chance, they weren't good enough to play with him and not good enough for Dethklok. None of them had the right vibe, he couldn't feel connected to them as dumb as that may sound. Possibly he was being far too picky about this whole ordeal, but nobody felt right just yet and most likely none of them would ever feel right. Every note he played against every guitarists who came in he felt more and more mechanical; Skwisgaar played brilliantly, but none of it had passion to it. He was playing solely to defeat them, they were his targets and opponents. He didn't see them as people he wanted to be anywhere near, they were just people he wanted to defeat and get out of his sight. Some went away angry and others in tears, he didn't care; he wondered when this would all be over.

Two hours later it seemed like it had finally ended; Skwisgaar sat in the back of the room while his band mates practically ignored him. He knew they were pissed off at him, he'd turned away over a hundred people. He'd barely given a single one of them a chance, barely tried to play along side them or give them something that was possible for a person to play. If they couldn't match him in speed or compliment his style then he didn't want them in the band. The rest of the group had said it was completely his decision though, he'd made up his mind nobody else would be in the band.

"I told you nobody is as good as me, I get my way."

"Dude you fucking annihilated them, like how the fuck does somebody keep up with any of that?"

"Not my fault they all play like fucking dildos"

Pickles went to say something else to the smug guitarist, but then the doors opened. They all turned to see which poor bastard just entered; Skwisgaar felt his heart tighten in his chest when he saw the dirty homeless teenager enter the building. The other thing he noticed that he swore he didn't really see was what appeared to be the shadow of wings on the ground behind the teen. Toki looked nervous but determined, the guys just seemed bored as hell by this point already figuring Skwisgaar would turn the kid away before he could even get his guitar out. Skwisgaar was still sitting there just staring at him, because Toki was the last person he expected to see in this place, the teenager didn't notice him until he finally spoke to him. He felt bad he would have to do this to him, he really didn't want to do this to him. He'd heard him play guitar before and he was good, but there was no way in twenty types of Hell that he was good enough to be in Dethklok. When Toki noticed him his eyes lit up and he smiled, Skwisgaar tried to not think about it or him too hard when he started to play. He turned his attention away from the younger male and to his guitar, going into his own little world where he was lost in his music. It wasn't until the other man started playing that he realized he was even there anymore. He looked up from his guitar meeting Toki's eyes, the shorter man looked at him with determination. Skwisgaar was surprised that he was keeping up so well and so quickly, but there was no way it'd last.

As they played Skwisgaar switched and jumped from style to style and from speed to speed waiting patiently for Toki to lose track and fall behind. Somehow the other musician kept up with him, occasionally going quicker and at a couple of points playing along side of him instead of against him. He forgot about the rest of the band, the audition and the crap building they were all standing inside of. He just kept his eyes locked on the man he was playing guitar with, there was no way it was the same kid. The same kid in the dirty rags for clothes with the greasy unevenly cut hair who got nervous around nearly every stranger that he passed. The same kid now stood here in front of him staring at him, challenging him, it was almost like this strange mental connection. They were playing in their own little world and the feeling of it filled him with a euphoria that Skwisgaar would never be able to explain in a million years, but God he was fucking depressed when it was finally over. Toki got nervous and hit the wrong chord, Skwisgaar was still coming down from the high of what they had just done so he barely had time to notice his band mates telling Toki to leave. He watched as the teen walked away with his head lowered, his hair hanging over his face.

"Why did you kick him out?" Skwisgaar asked looking at his now extremely confused band mates.

"Dude you fucking trashed everybody who came in here, besides he fucked up the ending." Nathan replied wondering why Skwisgaar was pissed off this time.

"You guys are fucking assholes"

He ran out the door going after the younger man hoping to catch him before he was gone. Toki seemed confused to see Skwisgaar outside, he seemed to be waiting to be told how well he'd done but how he still wasn't good enough to play music for a living. He had been so hopeful when he'd seen his friend was the one he'd be playing against. The disappointment and nervousness faded completely when Skwisgaar told him he wanted him to be in their band, he grinned and ran up to the taller man hugging him tightly. Skwisgaar ruffled his hair and playfully shoved the teen away from him.

When they went back inside the others were standing around talking, they shut up the minute Skwisgaar came back with one arm slung around their new rhythm guitarist's shoulders.

"The large dildo with the black hair is Nathan, that angry short man with the brown hair is Murderface, and that's Pickles"

"So what you like this kid out of over what a hundred fucking people, come on he looks like young as hell." Murderface complained as he tried to stare down the teen who seemed oblivious to the dirty look.

"He's sixteen"

"I'll be seventeen in a couple months" Toki spoke up

"Great so what it's going to be like babysitting, wait how the fuck do you know his age?" Nathan asked looking at Skwisgaar.

"I may sort of know him, no big deal; I've only talked him a few times." Skwisgaar answered shrugging it off.

He didn't think it was that big of a deal, possibly a bit weird he chose to spend some of his free time hanging out in an alleyway with some homeless Norwegian kid. It possibly even looked biased, but he hadn't been the one to tell Toki about the audition so there was no way in Hell he knew he'd show up and he sure as fuck didn't know that the kid would be so good at guitar.

"So you already fucking know him"

"Is that a problem?"

"No just, how the fuck do you know him?"

"I met him when I was out, just walking around and found the little dildo. That's all, it's not a big deal; I didn't think you'd have him come to the audition."

"and he's the one you want in the band?" Pickles asked wondering if Skwisgaar would change his mind.

He wasn't completely sure Skwisgaar wouldn't change his mind; maybe not right now, but give it a week or even a year. With their luck he'd get into a fight with Toki and want him out of the band by the time touring started, if that happened Pickles was pretty sure he'd strangle him.

"Yes I'm sure, he's good and he doesn't piss me off."

As far as he was concerned this was somebody he could talk to openly. He liked knowing somebody, finally who didn't have English as their native language. Somebody who wouldn't tell him how to play guitar or critique him, if anything Skwisgaar now had somebody to teach and to judge when they messed up. He knew he'd never be like Magnus, he could never picture himself treating a band mate that badly, but this gave him the control he'd been wanting for a long time. He wasn't sure how the others felt about having a teenager in their band or another member who barely spoke a word of coherent English, but once again Skwisgaar didn't give a shit. He'd spent weeks worrying about how Toki would do living on the streets, how much longer he could survive, and where he'd be in a year or so. Now he knew how he'd be doing and where he'd be; he'd get new clothes, a shower, food every day, and he'd be living with them. Skwisgaar didn't have to be scared or worry about his friend, he could actually watch after him now.


	7. Chapter 7

It probably would have been a good idea to check the state of Magnus' old bedroom before moving somebody new in, but nobody had thought of it and plus their old guitarist's room scared them. It was like when you were a little kid and there was a large supposedly haunted house where a guy axed his family, nobody went in, but everybody talked about it. There was also the fact Magnus used to threaten to cut them if they ever set foot inside of his room, they knew he wasn't one to make fake threats. When they all returned to their shared home and checked the room, to say it was wrecked would be an understatement. It would take nearly a week to fix it up, get a new bed in there and make it livable again. Until then their new guitarist was offered the couch, Toki said he had no problem with it, but Skwisgaar found the idea stupid. He said that Toki could sleep in his room until they got the other one fixed up again, the others had raised eyebrows and looked like they had wanted to say something about that, about how really gay that sounded, but they had just got through Skwisgaar pouting and were not really about to find a new reason to make him bitch. He knew the others knew better than to complain about it, they were still relieved that they finally got another guitarist. They noticed rather quickly that the latest member of their band seemed to be grateful for basically anything and everything. The place they all shared together wasn't great, honestly it was a fucking mess. The kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in there, there were scorch marks on the wall behind the microwave and behind the oven, the sink didn't work, the inside of the fridge smelled of rotted meat, and it was hard to walk through the room without tripping over a beer can or empty whiskey bottle. The living room wasn't too horrible, but at the same time it was; empty food containers covering the coffee table and floor, a barely working television set sitting on a couple of old plastic crates, the couch was shredded with tears as well as the recliner, the wall where Magnus had left his message was covered in a sloppy coating of black paint but you could still see the blood. Nothing about the place was clean; their bedrooms were different, varying levels of clean depending on who lived in said room. Skwisgaar had the most pristine of rooms, they made fun of him constantly wondering why he was so uptight about everything having to be clean and spacious. In return he would complain about how disgusting the living room and kitchen were.

His mother had never really bothered with cleaning, she was obsessed with the house being clean, but was usually too drunk or too busy having sex with men to clean. So she left the chores to her young son; Skwisgaar would spend an entire day on a weekend or an entire evening after school cleaning every inch of their home, he would cook himself and his mother breakfast and dinner. He had learned young how to do many things, he could do makeup and take care of hair and tell you what outfit looked good and what did not. His mother made sure of these things, because she liked to be worshiped and pampered; Skwisgaar just liked anytime his mother wanted to spend time with him. Even if it did consist of having to do her makeup or help her pick out another outfit for another date. Her men gave him Hell for it, for how feminine he was in looks and actions; one man had grabbed him by his long blond hair and slammed him against a wall. That had been a bad night, his mom had been too drunk to notice or care about her son crying and screaming or the man beating on him.

"Skwisgaar you really don't mind me being in here?" Toki asked from his position on Skwisgaar's bed.

The rhythm guitarist was looking around the room with its white painted walls, the bed was made up all in white, even the carpeting on the floor was white. He liked white, it was clean and reminded him of snow; perfection.

"I don't care, you need somewhere to sleep, yeah?"

"The couch is okay, better than where I'm used to sleeping" He replied giving a crooked smile despite just how sad the fact really was.

Skwisgaar sat down next to the younger man, he looked over him thinking that this was the right decision. He didn't know why, but there was some draw between them; Toki had been right that there was some type of electricity flowing between all five of them. The others wouldn't say anything or agree to it or talk about it, but Skwisgaar felt it and couldn't stop thinking about it just like the wings he'd seen attached to the boy's shadow.

"That couch is complete shit, besides my bed is big enough for two people."

He wouldn't be able to have his normal daily one night stand for a week, but that wasn't a huge loss. Despite what the others believed Skwisgaar could in fact survive without having sex.

The teen smiled at him, he went to say something, but Pickles entered the room looking between the two of them then settling on staring at Skwisgaar.

"Dude band meeting, just you though not the kid."

"What for, he's part of the band now"

"It's...Dude just come into the fucking living room." With that the drummer turned and left.

Skwisgaar got up and followed pausing long enough to look back and notice how nervous Toki looked, he wanted to tell him it was fine, nothing to do with him, but he knew better than that.

In the living room the others sat waiting for him, Skwisgaar remained standing.

"What is it?"

"Did you just put the kid in the band, because you know him?" Nathan asked

"No, why the fuck would I do that?"

Though he had half heartedly considered allowing the teen to live with them despite the fact none of them could take care of themselves let alone another person and they currently didn't have the money to take care of somebody else.

"I don't know cause you know him or some shit"

"I didn't know he was going to audition, Pickles is the one who picked him out."

The drummer shrugged, "Yeah I saw him playing on the street corner, kind of felt bad for him, and he sounded good. Felt bad about it at the time, because I knew you'd be an asshole." Pickles smirked "Didn't know you had a thing for him or some shit though."

"I don't have a thing for him, I barely fucking know him. Idiot"

"When does that stop you from hooking up with people?"

"Oh that's the other thing; new fucking band rule. No more caring about each other or any of that stupid gay shit." Nathan announced

The rule was dumb, it didn't even make sense. They all knew each other and knew each other very well and for awhile now. There was no way to not care about people you lived with and knew nearly as well as yourself, but Skwisgaar didn't say much about it. He knew the new rule was only in place because of Magnus.

"What about Toki?" Skwisgaar asked

"I don't know, just treat him like a fucking asshole like we do with each other. Skwisgaar is in charge of him though."

"Why me?" He asked glaring at the black haired front man.

"Uh cause you're the one who spent his time talking to some homeless guy then put a fucking sixteen year old in the band. Dude he's like...He's a fucking kid or some shit."

"Barely, he's not that fucking young Nathan. I'll fucking look after him, I don't care."

Pickles was still looking at the Swedish guitarist out of the corner of his eye, that stupid smirk on his face that made Skwisgaar want to smack him upside the head. He knew what he was thinking without even hearing it and it got on his nerves.

"Good, I still need to tell Ofdensen we got a new guitarist and the whole age thing...I don't know how that shit works, what about his family?"

Skwisgaar tried to remember what he knew and realized it wasn't shit.

"Um he I guess he has a family, back in Norway; he ran away."

"They looking for him?"

"Fuck if I know, I guess not; I mean he's been here for a fucking year and nobody has gotten his ass. Kind of easy to find a Norwegian kid here don't you think?"

Nathan grunted in agreement.

"Whatever it's Ofdensen's problem, I don't get that fucking legal shit."

"So are we done here?" Skwisgaar asked feeling bored and irritated by the band's drummer.

"Yeah sure, go spend time with your boyfriend or whatever." Nathan waved off the guitarist before picking a bottle up off of the floor.

Skwisgaar was more than happy to leave and go back to his own room closing the door behind him. Toki was lying on the bed strumming at his guitar, he stopped when the older man entered. He sat up looking up nervously at the lead guitarist.

"Don't worry, nothing much to do with you."

"I can hear you guys talking you know"

"Should have come out, didn't miss anything. They're fucking idiots."

Skwisgaar went over to his closet, he went through rows and rows of white shirts until he found an old black tank top he hadn't worn for the longest time. He grabbed it and a pair of black jeans from a dresser, he tossed them at the teen.

"You can borrow these, we'll get you new clothes this week. Bathroom is the last room down the hall."

"Thanks Skwisgaar"

Toki got up and left going to go shower and change into the clean clothes. Skwisgaar sat down on the bed getting out his own guitar and started to play. He made a mental note to ask Toki more about his family and why exactly he'd run away. He thought about the stupid no caring rule that he was sure they would all forget about in a month or two, something would happen or they'd realize just how dumb it was. They were like brothers, they couldn't not care. He remembered when he'd first met them; remembered seeing just how fucking close everybody already was with each other and hearing how long Pickles and Nathan had known one another, how long Pickles had known Murderface and how long everybody had known Magnus. They had all made the band their own little family; a way to make up for the crap families they all came for, except for Nathan who seemed to have the most stable of home lives. He was never able to really understand or show that he understood or felt anything when he'd hear or see how shit his band mates family lives were. He'd come from a nice family, loving parents who had raised him the best that they could. They all envied the singer in the most childish way possible. Skwisgaar still had a tugging feeling that whatever home life Toki had had must have been bad, something in his behavior and how he was willing to live on the streets made his mind run with horrifying possibilities.

The door opened then clicked shut, Skwisgaar looked up from his playing to see Toki standing there awkwardly. It was the first time Skwisgaar noticed that the Norwegian was actually really attractive; his shaggy brown hair was still wet and clinging to his neck, Skwisgaar's clothes hung off of him, and large blue eyes looked at the older man. The blond silently cursed Pickles, he continued playing and looked away from the other man. Toki lay down next to him on the bed watching as the older musician played his guitar.

"You guys don't got to worry about my parents coming and looking for me, I don't think they will anyway."

Skwisgaar paused in his playing, he looked back at the younger man.

"Remember I can hear you guys, thin walls and I was listening."

"Right, how do you know that?"

"They don't care about me" He replied simply

Skwisgaar placed his guitar back onto the floor, he sat so that he was now facing the other man.

"How bad was it there that you came all the way here?"

Toki smiled sadly, he turned his head looking out the bedroom window that looked out over the dirty city.

"Enough that I still can't get it out of my head." He whispered his tone sad.

Skwisgaar felt a chill, something about it made him uneasy; he wanted to comfort him without even knowing what for. He placed his hand over Toki's which brought the younger man's attention fully back to him.

"It's okay, things are better now...This is like a new family for you."

It was lame, but it seemed to make the other man happy.

When the two of them went to sleep they kept a good amount of space between them, Skwisgaar noticed he slept almost in the fetal position like a way of protecting himself, of keeping safe. He kept his left hand curled against his chest, his right arm outstretched and his fingers curling against the sheets. Skwisgaar turned to face away from him, half way through the night he woke to the sound of whimpering and crying. He was barely awake, considering it was two in the morning. He sat up and looked over to see Toki crying and trying to curl up more than he already was, the blond haired man placed a hand on his shoulder shaking him as he repeated the other man's name loud enough for him to hear, but not loud enough to wake the others. Eventually the teen woke up startled, he quickly sat up pulling his legs up against himself.

"Toki it's okay, just a nightmare."

He looked up at the older man through tear filled eyes, the left over look of fear gave way to a look of embarrassment. His body relaxed, he stretched out his long legs and rubbed roughly at his wet eyes with the heels of his hands.

"I'm sorry" He muttered

"Don't be, they happen to me a lot; Nathan has a ton of weird fucking dreams."

They rarely talked about their nightmares, but if they smoked enough pot they would talk about anything and everything. Acid trip type dreams included in the list of categories.

"I didn't mean to wake you up"

"It's alright, are you okay?"

He had managed to stop crying rather quickly, he still looked like he was ashamed of himself for his nightmare and for crying and waking the older man. He leaned back against the wall and sighed heavily, he looked over at Skwisgaar.

"Do you have any cigarettes?"

"I told you that you don't need them, not good for you."

"Please, I feel like shit Skwisgaar."

Skwisgaar dramatically rolled his eyes, he reached into the drawer of his night stand grabbing out the pack and the lighter; he took one out for himself lighting it then handing the items over to his friend.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"You'd just think I'm stupid"

"I think that anyway"

The younger man glared and punched him in the arm, Skwisgaar laughed at his reaction.

"It wasn't anything, just sort of memories."

"Must be a bad memory"

Toki smiled a bit as he looked at the cigarette he held between his index and middle fingers.

"Yeah I got a lot like that"

"We all do" The older man agreed

There was a lull of silence between the two of them; they sat in silence smoking and not looking at each other. The only real sounds came from outside of their home, sirens, yelling, and car alarms going off usually accompanied by a hoard of barking dogs of varying sizes.

"When I first got here I didn't really speak much English, I also didn't realize that I'd be homeless."

Skwisgaar looked at his friend, he could easily see him even in the dark room, enough light from outside poured into the room.

"I was really scared, I was always scared here. I'd meet people nice enough to talk to me, help me learn better English and some would give me food. Mostly I was just by myself, always scared and cold. It was still better than being back home though...I'd have nightmares where I'd be back home again and somehow waking up soaking wet in an alley was better than being there."

Toki took another drag from the cigarette longer than the one before, Skwisgaar was fascinated watching him just like before. He watched as the younger man blew the smoke out into the air, watching as it swirled, faded, and disappeared into nothing. He normally hated smoking in his room, making it smell stale and bitter, but he didn't mind this time around.

"I try to push it away, just push all the bad thoughts away, and I can. I'm real good at it. Just sometimes I can't get the bad thoughts out."

"I play guitar when I don't want to deal with something or think about something. I've done it ever since I was a teenager."

He'd spent many days locked in his bedroom playing his guitar furiously, even bleeding fingers wouldn't make him stop; anything to get the sound of his mother moaning in the next room out of his head.

"I'll try it, though talking to you helps. I'm not used to having people to talk to."

The two of them fell back into a comfortable silence, once they were finished with the cigarettes they had been smoking they decided to try and go back to sleep. This time Skwisgaar lay facing the younger man, he placed his hand over the other man's hand, short fingers laced through long ones. They fell asleep that way, it somehow seemed to help the nightmares.


	8. Chapter 8

"The kid is kind of adorable, kind of like a stupid puppy or some shit. Chicks love that." Pickles commented as him and Skwisgaar stood off to the side watching their rhythm guitarist go through the aisles of clothes in the thrift shop looking for something to wear.

The teen had an armful of shirts and jeans and a couple of pairs of shoes, the two older musicians mostly were making sure he didn't try to buy something that would keep them from wanting to take him out anywhere. So far they had found out he really liked the color pink and they had already had to tell him three separate times how not metal pink was. Though Skwisgaar didn't really have all too much against the pink tank top the younger man had picked out, he might have told him he could buy it to sleep in.

"Yeah I guess, more like girls; women never screw guys like that." He responded not really looking in the drummer's direction.

He was more so interested in watching Toki which had become a habit in the past week. He knew his friend was attractive, he'd known that since the first time that he talked to him, but seeing him after he got cleaned up and he was healthier looking...It was different to say the least. Sharing a bed with Toki didn't help in that, he tried to keep a distance between them, but half way through the night he'd feel breath against the back of his neck then look down to see an arm draped over his side. He never said anything or shoved him out of his personal space like he would do to literally any other being on the planet. He'd just let the younger man sleep, he'd wake up and apologize for getting so close to him through the night. Skwisgaar liked how embarrassed he'd get about it, it was adorable.

"Yeah maybe, women seem to be into feminine prissy blond Swedish guys."

Skwisgaar glared down at the shorter man, Pickles smirked feeling accomplished he could get his friend's attention for at least three seconds before he was back to watching Toki again.

"Though I think older dudes probably like guys like Toki, the whole feminine pretty boy shit."

"Who says he even like guys?"

He did, Skwisgaar knew that; he'd casually managed to ask that a day or two ago. He had found out Toki had never been with anybody before, but he in fact didn't seem to care what gender they were. He said he just found people to be beautiful and interesting.

"Seriously?" The older man replied laughing.

"Whatever"

"Shit you really wanna hook up with him don't ya?"

"Shut up you dildo." The lead guitarist was getting a bit tired of the drummer picking on him for this.

He seemed to always be right fucking there anytime Skwisgaar was checking out their new guitarist or there smirking like a complete asshole anytime Toki would be overly affectionate with the Swedish musician. Nobody cared about Toki being annoyingly affectionate, mostly so long as he kept it towards Skwisgaar or anybody who wasn't the three of them.

"Just asking, you fucking eat it up when he's sits close to you, and you love him sharing a room with you. Too bad that ends Monday."

He'd forgotten about that for the most part, he had two more days to share a room with Toki. It wasn't like he cared or he had feelings for the younger man, he was just able to admit he was very attractive and it was bordering on pathetic.

"He's good looking, okay? Happy now? Gods you are so fucking gay."

"Says the guy who wants to fuck the new rhythm guitarist."

Skwisgaar punched the red haired man in the arm earning a returned hit to his own arm.

"Just watch it with that shit, don't get overly attached or whatever. You know that thing Nathan said about not getting involved about feelings and shit."

Pickles seemed as bored of that rule as Skwisgaar was; besides it was an off and on rule. It had already been a week and nobody had stuck to it, you can't know people for that many years and not give a single fuck about them.

"He's still going on with that?"

"Yeah I know, it's stupid right?"

"Very, just because Magnus was a bastard doesn't mean anything."

Magnus was out of the band, possibly even out of the state. Ofdensen had told them that he would make sure they wouldn't hear from their crazed ex-band mate and when Ofdensen said that he would get something done he meant it. He'd somehow managed to get it so that Toki could stay in the country despite his age and the possibility that his parents might not be all that happy with their son wanting to not return home.

"Yeah, but like what if the kid turns out that way?"

"He won't"

"C'mon I don't think he will either, just you don't know that."

Skwisgaar went to say something else, he wanted to bitch and whine about how there was no way somebody like Toki could turn into someone like Magnus. It was impossible on so many levels, but the teen returned to where the two men stood. Pickles and Skwisgaar only had to tell him to put two different things back, one of which being a skirt. Neither of them wanted to ask, not really anyway. When they returned home Pickles resumed his usual hobby of trying to get drunk before it was five, Toki went to try on the clothes he'd gotten for himself, and Skwisgaar went to his own room to play guitar to drown out the sound of his drunken friends yelling at the TV and occasionally at each other. He found some comfort in being off by himself, he could crave attention from time to time, but that's what one night stands were for. Living with other people tended to drive one to wanting to lock themselves in a room alone for hours on end, depending on the day of the week. Today he just wanted to spend some time alone so that he could practice some of the newer songs they'd been working on before Magnus had left. One of the songs still had the guitar parts Magnus had written, it felt weird playing his old friend's work. It made him think of how many times Magnus would yell at him for getting it wrong or punch him for it if he was in the right kind of violent mood. Skwisgaar couldn't figure out why a part of him still missed the filthy old bastard, sort of like how a part of him felt guilty for losing all contact with his mother. She was horribly manipulative with her son's emotions, but he felt guilty for just running away even if it was years ago.

His bedroom door opened, Skwisgaar paused in his playing long enough to acknowledge the man who entered their shared room. Toki closed the door behind him leaning back against it. The younger musician wore a black t-shirt with a red flannel shirt over it and ripped blue jeans that hung off of him the way that Skwisgaar's jeans did.

"You look like some grunge punk kid, not really brutal." Skwisgaar commented, he went back to playing guitar.

"Punk can be brutal" Toki responded flopping down on the bed, the movement of the mattress made Skwisgaar's fingers slip and hit the wrong note.

He turned to glare down at his friend who seemed happy about making the older man fuck up, everybody knew how anal Skwisgaar was when it came to playing guitar.

"Since when? Just idiots running around and singing about beer."

"You like the Sex Pistols"

"That's different, better than some of the shit you listen to."

Toki propped himself up on his elbows to make it easier to look at the blond haired man, he sort of liked looking at him especially when he was playing guitar.

"I listen to good music, makes me happy."

Skwisgaar laughed, "You're the only guy I know who can go from listening to Megadeth then listen to Britney Spears two minutes later. It's really lame Tokis."

So far Skwisgaar was the only one who knew the younger man liked pop and techno and electronica music, he knew the others would give him hell if they knew, but it never seemed to bother Toki when they picked on him. It only ever really affected him when Skwisgaar was the one to do it, but the results varied.

"Not my fault I wasn't allowed to listen to pop music when I was home"

"Good rule"

"I wasn't allowed to listen to anything except for the music they played in my dad's church."

"Seriously?"

"I heard metal, because of my friends in town, but not much else."

"That's fucking brutal, no music; that's weird."

"Dad always said music was by the Devil, he said that about everything." Toki said rolling his eyes as he thought over the things his father told him were evil.

When he thought about it at length he realized literally everything was evil according to the reverend, including his own spawn. Toki pushed the thoughts away for the mean time, he returned his attention to Skwisgaar and the song he was playing on guitar.

"You should practice more, we have shows to play and a record to make. It would help if you knew the songs better."

Toki got up and retrieved his own guitar, he sat beside of the older man. Skwisgaar showed him what to do, how quickly, and at times how slowly to go. He was impressed how quickly Toki could learn when he paid attention, it was just difficult finding the times where he was willing to sit still and actually focus instead of fucking around.

"Don't go so quickly, that's how you fuck up. You try to go too fast."

"I can't go slower though"

"Just try, okay?"

Toki looked frustrated, but tried none the less. He cursed under his breath each time he fell into the habit of trying too hard to keep pace with the older musician. He always wanted to play at the same speed as Skwisgaar if not a bit faster, but when he did it right he complimented Skwisgaar's style quite beautifully. Better than how it had been with Magnus.

"Can we take a break now Skwis?"

"It's only been an hour"

"Come on, my fingers hurt, and I suck at this song anyway. My stupid fingers keep hitting the wrong cords."

"Your fingers are fine, you have nice hands."

Toki smiled up at him

"We can take a break, but we need to get this right."

The younger man was already up and close to the door before Skwisgaar could finish what he was saying.

"Sure, thanks Skwis"

With that the younger man was gone most likely to watch TV with the others, Skwisgaar stayed behind to continue playing. Less out of practice and more as just something to do and to clear his mind, his mind needed a lot of clearing lately.

He only kept it up for close to half an hour before deciding to join the rest of the band in the living room.

The TV was blaring, the sounds coming from it changing depending on who was in control of the remote at the moment. Three of his friends were seated on the couch; Nathan, Toki, and then Murderface. Pickles was stretched out with his legs hanging over the arm of the recliner a bottle of beer in hand, and a growing pile of empties on the floor.

"No I'm not fucking watching that shit."

Nathan grabbed the remote from Murderface, the sound from the TV changed again. Skwisgaar went over to the couch, he sat down on the arm of the couch knowing better than to ask or demand for the others to move.

"I want to watch it you asshole, I never get to watch what I want to watch." The bassist complained, arms crossed over his pot belly.

"Stop whining you fucking baby, I'm sick of watching Civil War shit all the time."

"All you watch are stupid fucking horror movies and that cartoon crap Toki likes."

"Whatever it makes the kid happy, who gives a shit." The lead singer mumbled

For the man who created the no caring rule Skwisgaar noticed Nathan cared about Toki, he somehow seemed to be the one most concerned with looking after the teenager.

Toki noticed Skwisgaar, he got up from the couch allowing the older man to take his spot. He sat down on the floor leaning back against the older man's legs.

Skwisgaar didn't have the slightest clue what they were watching other than it was some bordering on pornographic horror movie made possibly around the 70s.

"Why are all the ladies in this naked, there's not even a point to it." Toki commented

"Dude there doesn't have to be a point to naked chicks, it's tits. They're fucking awesome." Murderface answered seeming slightly offended by the way that Toki couldn't understand the wonders of one too many nude women in the horror genre.

"This movie is dildos, no point to it."

He wasn't even sure the audio belonged to this movie, most of the time the words were coming out before the actors lips would move to say them. The colors were dull and the whole thing gave him this irritated feeling, Nathan was the only one really into it; Pickles was too drunk to really give a shit.

"Hey Pickle give me a beer or something instead of drinking them all." Skwisgaar said looking over at their beyond drunken drummer.

"Get your own beer I'm not your mother or whatever" The older man slurred

"Get me one too" Nathan said not taking his eyes off of the shit movie that was playing.

"Man fuck you guys"

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, he nudged Toki's back with his foot; the younger man moved out of the way so that he could get up. As he passed by the drummer he smacked him in the back of the head complaining about how he did nothing but drink all of their alcohol and puke everywhere including the bath tub twice this week.

"That was a fucking accident" Pickles responded voice slurred to the point that it was hard to understand what he'd said.

Skwisgaar spent way too long trying to find bottles that weren't empty; the most he could find was a bottle of red wine and two bottles of beer. He gave the beer to Nathan and Murderface and kept the wine for himself despite the dirty looks his friends were giving him.

"Where the fuck did you get wine at?" Murderface complained looking at the bottle.

Skwisgaar took a long drink before responding, "On the floor"

"I want fucking wine, share with me."

"No get your own fucking wine."

"Do we have more?"

"No" He replied, smirking

"Just one drink you fucking asshole."

"Fuck no"

The bassist went back to complaining mostly to himself, nobody was paying attention. Toki leaned his head back looking up at the blond haired man.

"Can I have some?"

"No Tokis"

"Why not?"

"Because I said so"

"Please c'mon Skwisgaar"

"Fuck fine, here" He handed the bottle to the younger man.

"What the hell you'll share with him but you won't share with me, what the fuck?"

"He doesn't get on my nerves by bitching and throwing food on the walls."

Honestly Murderface acted more like a brat than the actual teenager did. Skwisgaar didn't hate the bassist, but there were a lot of times he couldn't exactly tolerate him as much as others.

"Dick"

Toki handed the bottle back to Skwisgaar after a minute or so, they spent the rest of the movie passing the bottle back and forth until it was completely empty. Pickles was the only one who seemed to still have booze to drink. They eventually reached the consensus that Murderface was the one who should go out and buy more alcohol since he was the only one there with a license who was also sober. The bassist slammed the door shut behind him, the sound startled Pickles who was passed out; the drummer fell out of the chair landing in his pile of empty cans and bottles.

"What the hell was that?"

"Just Murderface being a dick." Nathan answered

Pickles passed out again.

Toki took this opportunity to get on the couch and sit next to Skwisgaar. The movie on the TV had stopped playing and now was onto something else, this time something black and white and with absolutely no nudity. Skwisgaar focused on a female character in a sort of short skirt and heels, she had a nice ass, but he knew there was no chance in two types of Hell of her taking her clothes off. Nathan seemed less interested in this movie saying there wasn't enough blood in it, Skwisgaar suggested they try Psycho or some other movie that had the promise of female nudity even in a light sense.

They found another movie to watch, some sort of movie about robots and the world being over. It had more male nudity than female nudity, not like Skwisgaar or Toki really minded it all that much. Skwisgaar enjoyed the one Gothic woman in the movie who spent a lot of time topless, Toki seemed more interested in the Punk guy who spent half of the movie with his clothes off. Half way through Murderface returned with two bags full of booze and surprisingly enough was still complaining about how he had to do everything while the others sat on their asses. Nobody paid attention to him. Pickles woke up taking a bottle of whiskey, Nathan took beer, and the two guitarists took the bottle of bourbon.

At some point in their drinking Pickles ended up stumbling then crawling out of the room going to the bathroom. They heard him throwing up when it stopped they figured he was passed out again, Skwisgaar figured he was passed out in the bath tub again which was probably full of puke again. Nathan and Murderface ended up arguing about something related to movies and then something about war documentaries. Toki kept leaning against Skwisgaar, hand on his leg. They both grew bored of whatever was now playing on TV and the sound of their friends arguing over stuff neither of them knew anything about. They went back to Skwisgaar's room leaning against each other for support, because no way in Hell could either of them walk on their own right now. They ended up on another bottle, this time Jack Daniels; Skwisgaar dropped the younger man down onto the bed. Toki grabbed him by the front of his shirt pulling him down with him, both of them laughing. Toki managed to sit up enough to take a long drink then handing the bottle back to Skwisgaar.

"Gods you're going to be so hung over in the morning." The blond haired man said laughing at the younger man.

Skwisgaar sat with his back against the wall and his legs stretched out, everything was spinning and his head was fuzzy; this was the kind of mind numbing sensation that he could live with.

"I'm not worried about it, been in worse pain." Toki tried to sit up, but fell over and ended up laying across the older man's legs.

Skwisgaar ran his fingers through the younger man's hair, his hair was really soft. He wondered how weird it was that he was running his fingers through it, but it was nice feeling and Toki didn't seem to mind it. He seemed to enjoy the affectionate attention.

"Like what?"

"Stuff my parents did to me"

"Like what?"

"Not important, too drunk to talk about it now. Don't want to actually"

They passed the bottle back and forth for a bit longer, Skwisgaar tossed it to the floor already forgetting if it was empty or not. He'd worry about it in the morning or whenever he would give a fuck if he just stained his white carpet with alcohol. The lead guitarist ended up giving up on the task of sitting, he lay down on his side, Toki groaned annoyed that he had to move, but happy that he got the chance to curl up against his friend. Skwisgaar threw an arm around his middle allowing him to cuddle closer to him.


	9. Chapter 9

Headache or migraine seriously could not come anywhere near explaining the searing pain shooting through Skwisgaar's skull when he woke up the following morning, or according to his clock it was four in the afternoon. He lay there on his back groaning in agony, his arm laid across his eyes to block out the offending sunlight. His mind filtered through varying memories of last night, enough to tell him that there wasn't anything interesting to remember. He did notice the lack of a body wrapped around him, he gave it another ten minutes before deciding to drag his aching body out of bed. He found his shirt near the door and tried to remember when he hell he'd even taken it off or for what reason. He stumbled out of the room using the wall for support, he ended up in the bathroom.

Toki was laying curled up on the floor, one arm wrapped around the base of the toilet, and his greasy hair covering his pale face. Pickles was lounging in the bath tub, the whole room wreaked of vomit.

"Hey sleeping beauty wondered when you'd get up."

"What's wrong with him?" Skwisgaar asked nudging Toki's leg with his foot.

Pickles laughed, "Fucking kid came in here and threw up for like I don't even know how long then passed out. Been like that for a fucking hour or whatever."

Skwisgaar groaned in response, he sunk down onto the floor seating himself next to his sleeping friend.

"What did I tell you about throwing up in the tub?"

"Uh not to do it, don't worry Ofdensen will get someone to clean it. That's his thing or whatever."

"Isn't he just our lawyer?"

Skwisgaar rubbed at his forehead wondering if he pressed hard enough if the pain could just go the fuck away.

"Yeah, but he takes care of that shit."

Toki coughed then sat up quickly moving so his face was over the toilet bowl.

"Ah there he goes again"

Skwisgaar was considerate enough to hold the younger man's hair back while he threw up. When he was finished he slumped down onto the floor this time leaning back against the side of the bath tub.

"Hi Skwis"

"Feel better?"

"Head's killing me"

Skwisgaar knew the feeling way too well.

"You guys seen Nathan or Murderface?"

"I think they went out" Pickles answered

"When?"

"I don't know like a long time ago, heard the door slam shut; it was before I passed out."

Skwisgaar pulled himself to his feet long enough to grab a bottle of pain killers out of the medicine cabinet. He took out two pills for himself then handed the bottle to Toki who already had his hand out waiting his turn.

The three of them sat there waiting for the pain in their skulls to go away or at least lessen, Toki threw up a couple of more times, and Skwisgaar gave up on keeping his eyes open. The sound of the front door slamming shut startled them sending sharp pains through their heads.

"God damn it" Pickles muttered

"Too loud" Toki lay down so his head was resting on Skwisgaar's left leg.

Heavy footsteps echoed through the house until Nathan's hulking figure stood in the doorway, the large front man leaned against the doorway looking at his hung over band mates. They noticed the black eye and the long cut on his forehead.

"Dude what happened to you?"

"Bar fight, Ofdensen just got us outta jail."

"You guys got arrested?"

"Yeah kind of cool, except fucking spent the whole fucking morning there."

"Where's Murderface?" Skwisgaar asked noticing the lack of obnoxious yelling or complaining.

"On the couch, he's been out all fucking day."

"What happen at the bar?"

"Some assholes started shit with us, Murderface was getting his fucking ass kicked. Then he stabbed the guy in the fucking leg. It was fucking brutal."

"So is that why you got arrested?"

"I guess or it's because I hit a guy over the back with a chair. I don't fucking remember. Ofdensen is pissed though."

"Why didn't you tell us you guys were going out, we could have gone?" Pickles asked sounding slightly upset that he'd been left out of the chance of random bar fighting.

"I was going to invite you dildos, but you were passed out in your own vomit. Then Skwisgaar and Toki were in bed spooning each other or some shit."

Pickles got up out of the tub stumbling and almost falling, he stepped over Toki who was determined to stay where he was. The singer and drummer left going to the living room, Skwisgaar tried to move to get up, but Toki made some frustrated sound and grabbed hold of his leg so he couldn't move.

"I kind of want to get up"

"Why?"

"Get something to eat maybe"

"Can you get me something?"

"Yeah so you can puke it all up, no way."

"Asshole"

Skwisgaar managed to push Toki off of his leg even if he called him a prick.

The rest of the band were in the living room, Murderface was lying on the floor snoring. Apparently he'd started out on the couch, but Pickles wanted to sit there and so did Nathan so they rolled him onto the floor instead. Not like he even knew where the hell he was. Skwisgaar went into the kitchen wondering if they even had any food; they had it and none of them bought it. He tried to remember who even bought food, it might have been Ofdensen or one of the Klokateers. Skwisgaar only saw grocery stores as a place to find older women to take back home with him, the minute he saw a woman he wanted to hook up with his attention was rather diverted.

He did find donuts, they may or may not have been stale, but he felt like Hell and he was hungry. He went back to the living room sitting down between his two friends, he propped his feet up on their passed out bass player. He managed to get two donuts for himself before Pickles and Nathan took what was left, Skwisgaar tossed the box down purposely hitting Murderface in the head with it. The older man woke up, he shoved the blond haired man's leg's off of him.

"Where the fuck am I?"

"Your at home"

"My fucking back hurts, I thought we were in jail."

"We were asshole then Ofdensen got us out, you passed out and I dropped your ass on the couch."

"Then why am I on the floor?"

"We needed a place to sit and your fat ass was taking up space."

The bassist got up from the floor, he went over to the recliner sitting down on it. He was too hung over and sore to get into a fight with his band mates over the couch. By the time the TV ended up being turned on Skwisgaar was bored and wondering if Toki was still laid out on the bathroom floor or not. When he passed by the bathroom the door was closed and he could hear the shower running. He went back to his room and lay down on the bed. He didn't really respond or move when the other man entered the room, though give a few seconds he did lift his head up long enough to notice Toki only had a black towel wrapped around his waist. Skwisgaar propped himself up on his elbows, the other man barely acknowledged him; Skwisgaar was good with that. He was staring at him watching the droplets of water run down his chest then down his stomach, Toki had a nice body. It somehow went really well with the pretty boy face he had going on for himself, Skwisgaar stopped gawking when he caught sight of the very noticeable markings all over his back.

"Holy fuck, what happened to your back?"

Toki turned around so that Skwisgaar couldn't see the markings anymore, he looked startled.

"What? It's nothing" He stammered out voice high and nervous.

Skwisgaar got up and went over to him, he placed a hand on his hip gently pushing. Toki turned so he could look at his back again. There were countless scars, all of them were long and laced over one another in a morbid pattern. Skwisgaar ran his finger along one that went from his right shoulder blade down to his left side; the younger man shivered from the touch. He'd never had anybody touch his scars before, he sort of wanted him to stop, but part of him liked the affectionate way the older man was touching the ugly marks.

"How did these happen?" The blond haired man asked his voice soft, he was still touching the marks forgetting how weird or uncomfortable it could be for the other man.

He couldn't imagine what could cause marks like that or how somebody could get so many. His train of thought was interrupted when Toki pulled away from him; the rhythm guitarist quickly dressed so that the scars were covered up again. When he was dressed he leaned back against the dresser running shaky fingers repeatedly back through wet brown hair.

"My dad hurt me a lot, okay?"

"Your dad did that to you?"

"Yeah I wasn't...I messed up a lot, that's all."

He didn't like talking about it or thinking about it, it made him feel ashamed which had been the result the reverend had hoped for.

"That's not right, you don't deserve something like that."

Toki averted his eyes, he knew that, but he couldn't get it to stick.

"I guess, hey can we not talk about this right now?"

"Sure, I probably shouldn't have said anything."

He felt like an asshole for bringing it up, but now he was curious as to why somebody would hurt their own child that badly. He couldn't imagine what he punished him with or how often, he now had a better idea as to why Toki had run so far away from home.

Toki picked his guitar up from the corner of the room he kept it in, he sat down on the edge of the bed and started playing.

"It's cool, just I try not to remember a lot of it."

Skwisgaar joined him on the bed, he watched the younger man play noticing how much better he was doing right now.

"Do you feel any better?"

"Head still kind of hurts"

"Told you that you didn't need anything to drink"

Probably not a great idea to give the teen alcohol, but they had all been drinking since their teen years and in Pickles case a hell of a lot younger. Skwisgaar didn't like the idea of Toki drinking constantly like the rest of them, but nothing at all was lame.

"Hey could you maybe not tell the others about where I got the scars on my back? I really don't like telling people about it."

"Sure, I doubt they'd ask anyways. Just say it's from a wolf or something."

He knew his friends well enough to know they wouldn't ask, they might say something, but they wouldn't want to ask fifty questions about where Toki got so many scars from. He already knew that Nathan would think the scars looked metal, that alone would keep anybody from wanting to know where they actually came from.

"That sounds cooler than how I actually got them. I like wolves, they're like big dogs who kill things."

Skwisgaar personally wasn't a huge fan of wolves, he'd been nearly attacked by them one too many times when he had been growing up. He knew better than to run that far away from home, but when he would get upset or scared he didn't really think those things through all too well.

"I prefer dragons"

"They aren't real though, just fake"

"No they're not"

Toki laughed, he looked at the older man wondering if he was honestly serious. The annoyed look on his face answered that question.

"Sure whatever you say Skwisgaar"

The two of them spent half of the day hanging around the Swedish musician's bedroom, they only left when they smelled food coming from the living room.

The coffee table was piled with bags from various fast food places, apparently at some point a Klokateer had dropped off food for them as well as a message from Ofdensen telling them they needed to try and get in less legal trouble, because it didn't look good image wise for them. Mostly that was pointed towards Murderface, but the bassist was too busy eating to really care or listen not like he would have anyway. Out of everybody Skwisgaar ate the least; he wasn't really that interested in fast food, he found it personally disgusting. Toki would eat nearly anything put in front of him and enough for two people, Murderface and Nathan did about the same thing. Pickles ate two burgers then went back to binge drinking. Skwisgaar couldn't understand how the drummer could drink so much day to day, he couldn't keep up with that and he didn't really want to. He still felt like shit from what he'd done the night before, he couldn't imagine repeating that at least until tomorrow.

The rest of the night was dedicated to more television which two hours in lead to Nathan getting pissed off and throwing the remote at Murderface's head which ended with the bassist yelling on about nobody giving him respect or listening to him. He didn't notice that nobody was listening to a single thing he was saying.

"Hey dick head do you still know that one guy, the drug dealer with the purple hair or whatever?" Nathan asked once Murderface's bitch fit ended.

"Don, yeah I still know him."

"Good then go get us some weird or some shit."

"Oh dude I want cocaine"

"Why the fuck do I always have to go on booze and drug runs, why not send Pickles or Toki?"

"Toki can't drive and he's sixteen you dumb ass." Skwisgaar spoke up

"No I'm not doing it, fuck you guys."

Nathan placed a hand on Murderface's shoulder giving him a shove knocking the other man onto the floor.

"What the fuck was that for you dick?"

"You're the one who keeps acting like a dick."

"Fine I'll fucking go talk to Don, tomorrow. I don't want to do it today."

"Sure whatever, then at least get me a beer."

"Get me one too"

"I want one"

"Fuck you guys, I'm not your fucking man servant."

Pickles started laughing, "Dude aren't those guys usually like really ripped or whatever?"

Murderface went into the kitchen, bottles and can hitting the floor could be heard followed by yelling. The bassist returned with several bottles of beer handing them off to his band mates. Skwisgaar propped his feet up on the coffee table, Toki rest his head on the older man's legs. Pickles looked at the two guitarists, laughed to himself then resumed drinking. They were close, Skwisgaar didn't get the big deal. He also couldn't get the image of Toki practically naked out of his mind either. Not having sex lately was possibly starting to get to him, just a little bit. Seeing his friend like that didn't help; he was attractive. The mix of feminine and masculine was stunning, the wide ice blue eyes and how naive he seemed to be to a lot of things. Skwisgaar found it endearing, he generally surrounded himself with men and women who knew too much and had done endless amounts of degrading things.

A banging sound coming from the show on the TV pulled him from his thoughts. He really needed to stop thinking about Toki, naked, and how full his lips were and how soft his hair felt when he ran his fingers through it...Right stopping, he was going to stop; another day and Toki would have his own room then Skwisgaar could get a few women, maybe a man, and he could stop thinking about that. He knew one didn't have sex with their band mates or their friends, he highly doubted Toki thought anything like that about him. He was affectionate and a bit on the clingy side, he craved attention enough for it to be mildly annoying, but Skwisgaar didn't totally mind it. Having his bed to himself was going to suck though, but he'd quickly fill the empty space with random strangers.


	10. Chapter 10

Skwisgaar noticed that through the week he had to share a bedroom with Toki he was noticing just how attractive his friend was and just how clingy the younger man was with him. He also noticed that he himself didn't mind it, if anything it was a massive ego stroke having somebody watch him play guitar like it was the most fascinating thing on Earth and having somebody tell him how great he was. He caught onto the times that Toki would watch him while he was getting dressed or just try and discreetly stare at him which wasn't discreet at all. He found it entertaining, but it was mostly frustrating when he caught himself staring at his friend and watching him. He liked to blame it on the week he'd gone without having sex, but now that week was up. He honestly at this point wasn't sure he could stand spending a single night in his bed alone as pathetic as that sounded to himself. He decided to go out, drink, and see who he could bring home with him. Nobody had wanted to go out with him, everybody was too busy glued in front of the TV while Ofdensen rang the house phone every hour to tell them they needed to start working on songs for their first album. They had all agreed not to answer the phone or if somebody had to then it should be Toki, they found the lawyer was less tense with the teen. It was like getting a fucking puppy dog, except one that could play guitar.

When Skwisgaar arrived back to Mordhaus with his two lady friends and one male friend he was glad to see nobody was in the living room. Not that it mattered, he was an adult he didn't need his friends approval, but he already knew he'd hear their complaints the following morning. He didn't care, he'd gone without intimacy for over a week, and he had a certain guitarist to get the fuck out of his mind right now.

It worked...For the most part, not entirely; he could focus rather well when he paid attention to the two women he'd brought back with him. When he was kissing the guy though he kept thinking about Toki, wondering how it'd feel to kiss him instead, thinking about how the rhythm guitarist had a much more toned body than the guy he was currently touching. He really didn't want to be thinking about him; sex with band mates was bad, he'd learned that through trial and error. A lot of trial and error. Every time he thought he had the younger man completely out of his mind he'd go right back there, back to thinking about running his fingers through thick brown hair, strong arms wrapped around him, and wondering what his name would sound like coming from his mouth while he fucked his brains out.

Working, not thinking about Toki in a sexual way really wasn't working out too well. If anything it was making him frustrated. He'd figured logically that he was only finding his friend attractive, because he'd gone this long without sex. He figured one night stand with a few people and he'd be over it. By the end of it he felt more frustrated than he had before having sex. He allowed his partners to spend the night, he felt like an asshole for throwing people out. It was a habit he adopted from his mother, she never threw the men she had over out of the house; if anything she moved them in for weeks at a time. Skwisgaar knew it was late and he felt it was safer if they just stayed, he figured they'd sneak out at different parts of the morning before he'd wake up.

By morning he woke up alone as expected; he showered, dressed, and went into the living room. The room smelled like breakfast foods, take out containers littered on the coffee table and barely enough for one person remained. He knew none of his friends had gone out for food or cooked, they weren't even smart enough to open a tin can, he doubted they could cook. He figured Ofdensen had a klokateer bring it over for them, he tried to send them meals at least three times a day or more. Skwisgaar disliked it, it made him feel like an animal in a zoo.

"This all that's left?" He asked picking up one of the white Styrofoam containers.

"Well there would be more, but you know you fucking sleep forever. Then again you spent like what four hours banging old chicks last night." Nathan said not looking away from the TV.

Skwisgaar sat down on the recliner, he hated the thing, but the couch was packed and he wasn't in the mood to get into a fight with Murderface over having a place to sit.

"Dude seriously though that one chick was like what, ninety?" Pickles asked seeming grossed out by his friend's taste in women.

Skwisgaar chose to take a bite of the cold eggs before answering, they went over this constantly.

"She was only in her seventies, what's the big deal anyway?"

"Oh my bad cause y'know seventy is like my fucking grandma's age. Dude it's fucking weird."

"Yeah man it's fucked up, you're young and in a fucking metal band; you can bang any hot chick you want. All you do is bang old ladies and dudes." Murderface decided to look away from the TV long enough to shake his head and give Skwisgaar a disappointed look.

"Please you'd fuck anybody who actually wanted to touch you." Skwisgaar shot back.

"I can get plenty of action you fucking asshole."

"Sure, like what last year?" Skwisgaar replied smirking

"Fuck you guys"

"I know one thing for sure; next Mordhaus is going to have sound proof walls, because I am not listening to that shit every night."

"It isn't that bad, stop being such pussies."

"Stop talking when you're having sex, it's fucking weird dude."

"It's not weird it's sexy, not like any of you would know that."

"Dude I got laid a lot when I had my old band, way more than your ass." Pickles said laughing.

"Right, back when you looked like a lady and still had hair."

"Don't make me punch you, it's too fucking early."

Well at least he had the satisfaction of getting on Pickles nerves, nobody ever brought up the drummer's hair loss issue, but it was a low blow that Skwisgaar felt like making. He was frustrated, tired, and currently wondering why Toki would go from glaring at him every time he spoke to purposefully ignoring him.

He glanced in the younger man's direction meeting his eyes, Toki glared at him before getting up and leaving the room. The sound of a door being slammed shut echoed through the house.

"What the fuck is with him?" Skwisgaar asked figuring one of his band mates would know.

"I don't know, fucking hormones or whatever." Pickles responded still pissed about the hair loss comment.

Skwisgaar left going after the younger man, he went into the bedroom to find Toki sitting on his bed playing guitar. He looked down at the instrument like he hated it, fingers flying over the cords as fast as he could possibly force the to go. He only stopped when he heard the door click shut, the look he gave Skwisgaar was about as hateful as the looks he'd been giving him in the living room just a minute ago.

"Get out"

"I'm allowed to come in here, stop being such a prick."

"I don't want you in here, it's my room."

"What's up with you, you're acting like a brat."

"I just don't want to be around you right now, so fuck off."

Skwisgaar leaned back against the door, arms crossed over his chest; he could be just as stubborn as the younger man.

"Not until you tell me why you keep looking at me like you want to punch me."

"Probably because I do want to punch you."

"What the fuck did I do?"

"That stuff with, with those people last night. It's fucking disgusting, I could hear you all fucking night, and...I don't want to talk about it with you." He yelled voice going up a pitch with his annoyance and frustration at the thoughts he had and the feelings he really couldn't fully understand or at least didn't want to.

"I should be pissed at you"

"Why?"

"You fucking know why"

"No I don't, what did I do? I'm not the band whore."

"Fine keep being a baby, come talk to me when you're ready to stop being such an asshole." Skwisgaar turned and left the room slamming the door shut behind him.

He returned to the living room to find it oddly quiet, the rest of his band mates were staring at him.

"What?"

"Dude I swear to God if you fucking want him out of the band because you've got some dumb lovers spat going on I will personally kick your ass." Pickles said

"I don't want him out of the band and we aren't lovers, he's just being an idiot. Fucking over dramatic moron."

He sat back down on the recliner; why the hell did it matter if he had sex with anybody? He'd been doing this since he was a teenager, it wasn't his fault he had to take a break because he had to share a room with the rhythm guitarist.

"Right he's the dramatic one" Pickles muttered rolling his eyes.

"You assholes realize we do have to start recording at some point so if you could you know, stop being a dick or whatever that would be great."

"Talk to Toki about it, not my problem; he's the one being a dick."

"No still you" Pickles responded

"Why me?"

The drummer looked at him like he was a complete idiot, the lead guitarist was lost at the reason for it. The TV was turned back on, Pickles left the room. Skwisgaar noticed his band mates occasionally looking at him like they wanted to make some remark about how gay he was being or how dumb or dramatic he was. So he couldn't even have sex now without there being drama, what else was he supposed to do? He was only good at two things; sex and guitar, beyond that he found himself bordering on useless. It wasn't his fault Toki was jealous of him or whatever was going on in that stupid little head of his.


	11. Chapter 11

"Toki where the fuck is my hair conditioner at?"

This was the third time in the past week varying hair products Skwisgaar paid way too much money for had been going missing. The rhythm guitarist looked up from the anime he'd been watching despite complaints from Murderface and Nathan.

"Why the hell do you think that I have it?" He asked offended by the accusation.

They had spent the better part of two weeks fighting over any little thing they could find, it mostly got worse when Skwisgaar had his one night stands over.

"Who the hell else would be in my room?"

"Why would I be in there, I'd be too scared to touch anything. Probably disgusting stuff all over your bed. Hora " The younger man muttered the last word.

"Excuse me, did you just call me a whore?"

Pickles laughed, "Dude you are a whore, seriously I can't even count how many people you've banged this week alone."

"Shut up, just tell me where it is and the rest of my stuff."

"I didn't take your stupid stuff, why is it always me?"

Nobody had any interests left in the TV at this point, a good fight between band mates was a million times more entertaining than some stupid show.

"You're always sneaking in my room and touching my stuff, I know you've been taking my albums too."

Toki got up from the couch going up to the older musician, he tried to look intimating but the height difference just made it closer to awkwardly pathetic.

"I didn't take your stupid music, you don't even listen to any good music."

Skwisgaar scoffed, "Better than the shit you listen to, you have the most crap taste in music."

"Du vet ikke engang god musikk, og du kan knapt spille gitar, gå choken på en hest kuk din jævla drittsekk."

Skwisgaar stared at him mouth open and eyes wide, Toki shoved past him going to his own bedroom.

"Come back here, I can play way better than you!"

Music was playing too loudly in Toki's room for him to hear Skwisgaar yelling.

"Immature little brat" Skwisgaar stormed out of the room going to his own room to pout and play guitar.

The rest of the band sat in the living room not speaking, Murderface started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm the one that's been taking Skwisgaar's stupid hair products."

"Why?"

"I want to take care of my hair, that shit doesn't work at all." The bassist complained.

"Yeah dumb ass it can't work a fucking miracle on whatever you call the shit you're growing on your head." Pickles commented earning a punch to the arm.


	12. Chapter 12

Skwisgaar was smart enough to figure out that Toki mostly got pissed off at him when he brought strangers back to Mordhaus. He was smart enough to figure out his friend more than likely had a crush on him, but he didn't really want to discuss it with anybody. He sort of figured it would just pass; Toki would realize nothing would happen and then he'd get the fuck over it. That wasn't really working since all that happened was they would fight and then they would go to their rooms to pout until they were ready to fight again. It was three weeks until they could be in the same room without immediately fighting or without Toki calling him something degrading that only Skwisgaar could understand, because thankfully their band mates refused to learn to speak Norwegian.

Murderface had contacted his drug dealer friend again getting them yet another stash of drugs, this time the one who was paying for it was Ofdensen; though he didn't know that. He'd apparently given the money to Nathan for something completely different and more so related to food or something like that that none of them really gave a fuck about. They knew the lawyer would get food for them so why blow perfectly fine money on something stupid like that? They thought drugs were a much higher priority, plus Pickles wasn't sure he could spend another day remotely sober with two foreign guitarists screaming at each other. Everybody took what they wanted; mostly it was weed, Pickles was the only one of them with cocaine. Toki had grabbed two bottles of beer and a joint and left to the kitchen about half an hour ago.

"Can you believe him, going and pouting. Can't even sit in a room with me." Skwisgaar complained pouting himself.

"Fuck sake just go talk to him." Pickles said voice whining, he leaned his head back against the back of the couch.

"No he should apologize to me, fuck him."

"Dude we have to record soon and it's kind of hard to get shit done with you two acting like dildos." Nathan said trying to keep his mind focused enough on what he was saying.

Nobody was sober enough to really want to deal with guitarists related drama.

"Whatever I'll go talk to him, but it's because I'm the mature one."

"Whatever gets you through"

Skwisgaar found Toki sitting on the kitchen floor, back against a cabinet. He went between smoking and drinking, empty bottles and cans littering the floor around him. He wanted to be angry that Skwisgaar was in the same room with him, but the beer and weed was keeping him from feeling anything beyond mild annoyance. Skwisgaar sat down beside of him on the floor.

"Why are you here?"

"To talk to you"

He took the joint from the younger man ignoring him when he called him a prick.

"What do you want Skwisgaar?"

"What's going on with you lately?"

Toki took the joint from his band mate.

"I just don't want to be around you, I don't have to be around you all the time."

"Yeah I get that, just why are you being such an asshole?"

Toki took a long drink from the bottle he held in his hand, he didn't feel like talking about this. He could feel his stomach turn and his heart beat harder as he thought of the prospect of saying just why this was bothering him so fucking much.

"I don't know" Was the reply

Skwisgaar wanted to call him out on such a weak lie of a response, but he was too stoned to get into a fight and even he had his limit with how many times he could fight and throw a fit. He was pleasantly surprised when Toki moved so that he was laying across his legs, his head resting on Skwisgaar's left leg.

"Are we okay now?"

Toki shrugged, "I guess so"

He still felt hurt; every time he had to sit in the living room or lay in bed and listen to Skwisgaar have sex it hurt like hell. They weren't together, they didn't do anything; he knew there wasn't much of a chance of anything happening between the two of them. Toki had little to no experience with intimacy and sex, Skwisgaar on the other hand seemed to have more than enough. He wouldn't want somebody like Toki, he shouldn't even want to have sex with his friend; he should be fine with just being friends with him, but that didn't keep him from getting jealous or angry or from thinking about what it'd be like to have sex with him.

Skwisgaar combed his fingers through Toki's hair, it seemed to be growing rather fast, it was now touching his shoulders still unevenly cut. The older musician liked how soft it felt running through his fingers, how sweet his friend smelled. The younger man was watching him, a look of content on his face. Skwisgaar traced a finger along his cheek; he leaned down until their lips were nearly touching. Warm breath against skin, Skwisgaar gave a second's hesitation before pressing his lips against Toki's gently kissing him. The sensation he got from kissing him was close to being just as intense as the sensation he'd gotten from playing guitar against him back at the audition. He dug his fingers against his scalp as the kiss deepened for a second before ending with Skwisgaar pulling away and leaning back against the cabinet. Toki sat up, pupils dilated and lips parted as he stared at the older man.

"Can we do that again?" He asked voice soft, nervous.

He could still taste him on his lips, feel where his warm breath had been against his skin. Toki settled himself on Skwisgaar's lap, he placed his hands against the older man's chest completely unsure as to what to do with them or with anything at the moment. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the back of his neck, he pulled him forward kissing him this time more deeply. The younger man kissed back desperately like he was willing to do anything just to impress him, Skwisgaar gently pushed him away.

"Slow down, no need to rush." He whispered, fingers pushing hair back behind the younger man's ear.

"Sorry" Toki replied feeling stupid now

"It's fine, just slower this time. Do what I do."

When they kissed this time Toki followed the older man's lead, his arms draped over Skwisgaar's shoulders. The blond haired musician was trying to get over how good it felt, weeks of frustration seemed to be draining from his body, maybe it was due to the drugs and the alcohol but this felt really good and right in this really odd way.

"Oh sick dude, are you fucking kidding me?"

The two broke apart, they looked to see Pickles standing there looking down at the two of them.

"What?"

"I fucking come in here for a beer and you two are on the floor making out. Ya think you guys could stop long enough to let me get to the fridge?"

Toki quickly got off of the older man moving out of the way so the drummer could get to the fridge.

"Don't you dare tell the others, I really don't need to get shit about this." Skwisgaar said, he knew Nathan was still on about the no caring rule and he wasn't entirely sure if this counted as caring or just as hormones at work.

"Yeah I won't tell anybody, we all fucking figured you two were banging anyway."

Pickles left the kitchen leaving the two of them alone again this time the feeling in the room was more so on the awkward side. Skwisgaar moved empty bottles and cans out of the way so he could lay down on the floor.

"Maybe we should go to your room or something." Toki suggested, Skwisgaar glanced over at the other man.

"Why?"

"More comfortable" He offered

"Come here"

The younger man crawled over to him, Skwisgaar pulled him down on top of him.

"Just lay on me, comfortable?"

"Yeah what about you, aren't you uncomfortable?"

"Eh not really, I've slept worse places."

Toki lay his head on the other man's chest, Skwisgaar placed a hand on his back his fingers running over his shirt reminding himself of the scars underneath the thin material. He felt his friend tense and relax.

"Do you mind me touching your back?"

"No it's okay"

The two fell into a comfortable silence, occasionally they would kiss going from quick little pecks to longer more intimate exchanges. They ended up falling asleep on the kitchen floor.


	13. Chapter 13

They spent nearly half a day sitting on Toki's bed, Skwisgaar mostly laying there while the younger man played guitar. It had taken nearly two hours to get him to practice, at first he'd been making constant mistakes, but he was finally improving. The younger man was finally focused fully on his playing, Skwisgaar was fully focused on everything about him The look of concentration on his face, the way his fingers went over the cords, how he would have to occasionally stop long enough to push his hair back behind his ear, and the fact he was without a shirt allowed Skwisgaar to focus on his body. A lot of the focus ended up on the map of scars coating his back, starting at his shoulder blades and ending right at the hem of his jeans. At some point Skwisgaar had sat up and began touching said scars; Toki didn't seem to react at first, he continued to play and the blond haired man would run his index finger along a scar from what he assumed was its starting point then to its ending point. Some areas seemed more damaged than others, the skin much whiter due to the excessive abuse of whatever torture device the teen's bastard father had used. There were areas that had been struck so much that they were nothing but a large mass of scars. It saddened him looking at the marks, touching them, and trying to imagine somebody doing this to another human being; a child at that. Skwisgaar didn't even like children and he couldn't imagine beating one, especially to such a degree as his friend had been beaten as a boy. He placed a hand on Toki's shoulder, thumb brushing against the nape of his neck; he pressed his lips against the scars on his right shoulder blade and then the left. He noticed a change in the way the younger man played, the speed slowing down. His lips trailed across and down his friend's scar covered skin, his hands caressed every other place.

"I thought you wanted me to practice more?" Toki asked looking back over his shoulder at the older man.

"I got bored"

The younger man smiled and shook his head. He tried to get back into playing, but the warm lips against his skin was distracting him greatly. Nobody had ever touched his scars, it was new and he was amazed how much he enjoyed it.

"I don't get why you want to touch them, they're so gross." The brunette commented pulling a face when he thought about how bad his back looked.

He was getting more comfortable with being shirtless around Mordhaus; the others paid little to no attention to the cars. They seemed more envious and prone to complaining over the fact their teenage rhythm guitarist had a better body than them. Skwisgaar didn't really feel any need to envy his friend's physique; if anything it interested him in a completely different way.

"They're part of you and you're not gross. I can stop if you don't like me touching them."

"No don't stop" He answered quickly earning a laugh from the older man.

"Does this feel alright?"

"It feels really good actually"

It was soothing, loving; all of the things he'd missed out on for the entirety of his life. He was a bit disappointed when Skwisgaar stopped kissing his back, but let out a small moan when those full lips pressed against his own. He half sat half dropped his guitar onto the floor, the instrument completely forgotten by either man. Toki nipped at the older man's lip; Skwisgaar parted his lips allowing his friend's tongue access. Skwisgaar had possibly spent the past few days taking every opportunity given to make out with his friend. Thankfully Pickles had only walked in on them once or twice, they had now learned to lock the door of whatever room they were in at this point.

Toki pushed the older musician back onto the bed, Skwisgaar ran his fingers back through his friend's hair. He leaned up kissing him firmly; Toki smiled against his lips. Skwisgaar had figured after what had happened in the kitchen the other day things might be awkward, he knew he shouldn't be doing this with his band mate, but he really couldn't give a shit. He told himself it wasn't a big deal, it was a change from his usual; he wanted something different. He knew Pickles wanted to tell him he shouldn't be doing this, he already knew everything the drummer would say to him and knew how pissed off Nathan would be if he knew about this, but it was fine. Things were fine.

Toki sat back on his knees, Skwisgaar sat up, the two began kissing again.

"You're getting a lot better at this and better at guitar, except when you were totally dildo near the end."

Toki glared at him, "I only messed up because of you distracting me."

Skwisgaar chuckled, he kissed the younger man again longer this time.

The younger man smiled up at him, he wrapped his arms around the other man's waist and rest his head against his chest. Skwisgaar kissed the top of his head, he rubbed his back. He looked around the rhythm guitarist's bedroom; it looked like most of the rooms in Mordhaus. The walls were painted black, black carpeting, and very little furniture. He did notice the photo hanging on the wall of an extremely old couple; the man looked to be some sort of priest while the woman looked more like a nun.

"Who is the picture of?"

Toki turned to look where Skwisgaar was looking, "Oh that, they're my parents."

Skwisgaar felt an odd sense of anger actually seeing a picture of the people who abused his friend, feeling the bumps of his scars didn't help that feeling.

"Where did you get a picture of them from?"

"Charles got it for me when he was going over my background and stuff."

"Who is Charles?"

Toki raised an eyebrow, "Um Ofdensen, our lawyer."

Skwisgaar had honestly thought Ofdensen had been the man's first name, he never gave him too much attention.

"I did not know that Charles was his name, why do you want a picture of your parents anyway? They sound like assholes."

Skwisgaar lay back on the bed, Toki lay down on his side facing the blond haired man.

"They aren't that terrible, I just made a lot of really bad mistakes."

Like being born and being cursed; it wasn't his parents fault that he turned out the way that he did.

"What did they do to you exactly?"

"My dad...When I was bad, like really bad he would...He would have me kneel on the ground outside in the snow and he would take this whip and hit my back with it repeatedly. He did other things too, hit me, chain me up, or whatever he could think of."

Skwisgaar felt a new type of hatred towards the old man in the photograph, the old man he didn't even know. He could picture Toki as a sweet little boy wondering why the hell his father was beating the hell out of him, it was a miracle he managed to make it this many years alive or that he got away.

"Where was your mom?"

"There, watching; she didn't like me much either. She'd smack my face and things like that."

Skwisgaar decided quickly that he hated them passionately and he never wanted to see either of them, he was pretty sure he would kill Toki's father if he ever met him.

"I'm sorry, you didn't deserve any of that. Nobody deserves that."

"They would kill me if they knew I was here."

"No need to worry about that, they can't find you. Ofdensen wouldn't let them take you back there."

Skwisgaar spent very little time around the band lawyer, but he did know damn well that the man wouldn't let them lose their new guitarist.

Toki nodded agreeing mostly hopefully, Skwisgaar kissed him hoping to reassure him that everything would be alright.


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: I've had writers block, but I'm working on this again and of course 'Voices of the Dead' is still getting work done. This chapter I believe should make up for my short hiatus.

The two guitarists sat on the couch, Skwisgaar played his guitar going over yet another song Nathan had told him about earlier. The front man had handed him sheet music to go over, but no matter how many times he went over it he couldn't get what he saw on the paper to click in his mind. It frustrated him, right now he was frustrated, because he couldn't get it right no matter what. When he hit the wrong note he would curse in Swedish under his breath only to have Toki giggle, he apparently found his frustration adorable. The other and younger guitarist sat with his legs curled up and chin propped on the palm of his right hand as he watched Skwisgaar play. There was generally something beautiful and peaceful about the Swedish musician when he was playing guitar, he seemed to be relaxed. Even though right now he was mostly upset with himself and his less than perfect playing, Toki still found the parts he got right to sound beautiful.

"This is bull shit, stupid sheet music. Tokis do you know how to read sheet music?" Skwisgaar asked hoping that his friend could be of some help.

Toki shook his head, hair falling in his face that he had to push back behind his ear only to have it fall back into place causing the older man to smile.

"No I never properly learned from anyone, just sort of taught myself. My friend Ronke taught me a little bit of stuff, but I never learned to read music."

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow confused, "Wait you never took lessons?"

Again the teen shook his head, this time he smiled seeming rather proud of himself while Skwisgaar on the other hand felt a burning sense of jealousy.

"Psh explains a lot"

He tried to sound condescending, but Toki could tell he was impressed and most of all; jealous. He leaned forward pressing a kiss to the older man's cheek.

"It's okay, I'm just better at guitar than you." He sat back grinning.

"Are not, you're good, but you aren't as good as me. I had years of practice and millions of bands."

"Sure, I could be better than you though if my fingers weren't so fat." He said glaring down at his hands.

Skwisgaar took hold of the younger man's left hand, he ran the pad of his thumb over Toki's knuckles. He liked his hands, yeah his fingers weren't as long and it made playing a bit difficult for the teen, but he still played damned good. Skwisgaar pressed his lips to the top of the other musician's hand earning a laugh and a shake of the head. He released Toki's hand returning his friend's grin.

"That's really gay Skwisgaar"

The older man shrugged, he knew he should be practicing, but they were alone and ever since they had stopped fighting over Skwisgaar's sexual habits they had been acting like high school students. He knew it was pathetic, but he was only twenty-two he was allowed to not always be serious and secluded.

Toki kissed him, it was quick, but it gave him this strange sensation none the less. He didn't want to think too much on that, he liked his friend a lot. He liked the way things were going between them and it was nothing more than that. Skwisgaar managed to make himself play again, but now he just played the songs he knew well. The two went back to relaxing, Toki watching him completely fascinated by his blond haired friend. Skwisgaar would glance over at him from time to time and smirk feeling some weird sense of pride that somebody was this entranced by what he could do.

The warm mood was broken when Murderface came into the room, he shoved at Toki until the teen moved over so he could sit between the two of them. The bassist turned the TV on drowning out the sound of Skwisgaar's playing to the point he gave up on it once more. Both guitarists were glaring at the pudgier man.

"What the fuck are you assholes looking at me like that for?"

"We were trying to practice here"

"That's not fucking practice, just you playing while Toki fucking watches you."

"Whatever, come on Tokis we go to my room." Skwisgaar got up from the couch and exited the room with Toki trailing behind him.

By the time they got to Skwisgaar's room and had the door shut Skwisgaar found he really didn't care much about playing guitar anymore. His fingers were slightly sore, he could still hear the TV through the wall, and the new tracks were frustrating him. He tried to remember when Nathan would be back home, because he wasn't feeling the new song and they needed to talk about changing it.

The Swede flopped down on his bed, blond hair fanning out on white sheets. His mind kept going over the new songs that Nathan insisted they had to do for the album; he fully understood the pressure to make a perfect first album. He had seen bands crash and burn hard based on a bad debut, but he'd also seen bands come back like a phoenix after a bad debut. He wasn't sure what he'd do if Dethklok broke up, he assumed he'd still see the others and be friends with them; he knew he'd move on to a different metal band. He didn't know if he could stay in America though.

"What are you thinking about?"

"The new album"

"You sound as stressed about it as Nathan"

Skwisgaar looked at the other guitarist who was seated on his lap

"Kind of hard to not be, are you stressed?"

If he was he wasn't showing it, as far as Skwisgaar could tell.

"Yeah, but not too bad; it'll work out, try not to worry so much." He offered a reassuring smile, but Skwisgaar could only groan and return to staring up at the ceiling.

He liked his ceiling, unlike the one in the living room it didn't have food sticking to it.

"What if it doesn't though?"

"What you think we'll break up?"

Skwisgaar shrugged, "Yeah maybe, it could fuck things up."

Toki remained silent as he thought over the older man's comment, he hadn't thought about it much himself. He liked to think this was a permanent family for himself.

"Can't we all still live together if that happens?"

"I doubt that"

He had a feeling Nathan and Pickles could possibly share this apartment or another one, they were close enough that sharing a place could be second nature. He himself sort of did miss Sweden even though his later teen years he had complained about it and even now he would bitch about his home land despite the fact he did miss it from time to time.

"Where would I go then?"

He returned his attention to Toki noticing how worried his friend looked.

"Could come with me, no clue where I'd go and live though."

The younger man seemed to brighten up at the prospect of going to whatever part of the world Skwisgaar would go to in the case that the band broke up.

Skwisgaar sat up, he wrapped an arm loosely around Toki's waist; he ran his fingers up under the other man's shirt gently brushing against his skin.

"I doubt it'll happen, you're right; we'll be fine. I'm just thinking too much about it."

"I could help distract you if you want" Toki offered smiling shyly

"Hm, how?"

Toki placed a hand on his chest curling his fingers in the material of his shirt, he pressed his lips against Skwisgaar's kissing him firmly. The Swede's hand traveled further up under the younger man's shirt only stopping when Toki got up off of him. Skwisgaar watched as Toki removed his shirt revealing broad shoulders, a broad muscular chest and well formed abs. His attention ended up on the trail of dark brown hair going from his belly button down to the hem of his jeans, he hooked his index and middle fingers in one of the belt loops and pulled the other man to him. Toki sat on his lap again draping his arms over Skwisgaar's shoulders, he smiled against his lips when they kissed. He'd gone he couldn't even think how long without his one night stands, the others were noticing, but nobody was saying anything yet. He knew they would though and he'd handle that when it happened, but right now there were no worries. Right now he just had a gorgeous Norwegian musician on his lap.

Toki moaned when Skwisgaar's hand found its way to the front of his pants pressing against the growing bulge. He lay the other man down on the bed, Toki hooked a leg over his lower back. Skwisgaar trailed kisses down his neck, he would bite at the skin behind his ear earning soft moans and little pleas for him to continue. He continued to palm at his friend's erection through his jeans, Toki lifted his hips up off of the bed. His back arched as he rubbed against Skwisgaar's hand his breathing heavy and uneven as he became more aroused.

"What you want little Tokis?" He whispered against his ear.

Skwisgaar bit a spot on the side of his neck, another low moan, fingers pulling at blond hair.

"Please Skwis, kan du bare ta på min kuk." Toki moaned.

Skwisgaar unfastened the younger man's jeans, he sat back so that he could slide them down revealing Toki's erect cock. The younger man looked confused and on the border of complaining when Skwisgaar moved away from him, but got the message when Skwisgaar knelt down on the floor in front of him. Toki sat up moving to the edge of the bed so that he was closer to Skwisgaar. The older musician wrapped his fingers around Toki's length giving it a squeeze, Toki bit at his lower lip to bite back the loud moan that wanted to escape. Skwisgaar kept his eyes on his face, he gave a smirk before trailing his tongue up along the underside of his erection. The younger man's hand found its way to his hair gripping tightly, Skwisgaar always had a sort of fascination with the male body. He loved women to no end, but something about the male anatomy held an unknown appeal he always appreciated highly. Skwisgaar swirled his tongue around the head before taking it into his mouth sucking lightly, the tip of his tongue going back and forth over the slit. His eyes flickered up to his partner, Toki was watching him; he tried to keep most of his moans quiet, but he was losing control over that. Watching Skwisgaar work him with his mouth wasn't making it any easier. He wrapped his legs around the older man's shoulders keeping him as close as possible, Skwisgaar pulled his mouth off of him and proceeded to go back to his previous task of running his tongue over every inch of his cock while his friend watched.

"Faen, Skwisgaar takk ... Det føles veldig bra, fuck takk. Gods Skwis."

Skwisgaar ran his tongue from base to tip once more before taking Toki's cock into his mouth. He went slowly at first, his tongue circling the head with each upward motion; he gave a moan of pleasure of his own at the feeling of fingers digging into his scalp.

"Gå raskere. Faen ja ... Li-sånn ... Faen Skwisgaar"

The sound of the younger man begging him mixed with his surprisingly deep moaning and the way he tugged at his hair urged him on. Skwisgaar could feel his own cock becoming hard, he had to shift to make the feeling of his tightened jeans a bit more bearable. He knew as the grip on his hair tightened and the moans came less hidden and much louder, that his friend was close to his climax.

Skwisgaar pulled back until only the head of Toki's cock was in his mouth, the light teasing sucking and his tongue playing along his tip sent the younger man over the edge. He came inside of the older musician's mouth, every word out of his mouth in barely understandable Norwegian. He slumped against Skwisgaar panting, the blond haired man tucked him back inside of his jeans. Toki smiled at him sheepishly, his face flushed and hair sticking to his sweaty face. Skwisgaar caressed his cheek, he leaned up kissing the younger man gently.

"Did you enjoy that?"

"Yeah a lot" Skwisgaar kissed him once more before getting on the bed and lying down.

"What about you?" Toki asked, he placed his hand on the older man's inner right thigh.

"Don't worry, I just more so wanted to do something for you."

Toki lay on his side facing the older man.

"You think Murderface heard me?"

Skwisgaar laughed, "Yeah Tokis I'm pretty sure him and anybody else here heard you."

The younger man looked embarrassed but couldn't help smirking at the prospect of their extremely homophobic bassist hearing what they had just done.

The two of them spent a few minutes lying together, kissing, but mostly lying in silence. It only ended with Skwisgaar had the urge to play his guitar again, Toki lay on his stomach and watched him play with the same loving fascination from before.


	15. Chapter 15

After waking up, showering, and dressing Skwisgaar went into the living room mildly hoping to find Nathan there so he could talk to him about the tracks and how he couldn't really get into the feeling of the guitar parts on the new songs. Instead he found Pickles sitting on the couch, beer in hand, and staring at the TV. He waited until Skwisgaar got a mug of cold coffee and sat down next to him to start talking.

"So Murderface heard you and Toki yesterday."

The blond haired man almost choked on his drink, Pickles laughed.

"What do you mean?" He asked trying to pretend he didn't know what the older man meant.

Pickles rolled his eyes and smirked at him.

"Dude c'mon I don't give a shit. I've caught you guys making out like way too many times for my comfort level."

Skwisgaar sat his cup down on the coffee table and buried his face in his hands for a moment. He did figure their bassist had caught some of the sounds, but he didn't know he'd just assume what they were doing and he sure as hell didn't think he'd tell the others. Oh shit. He looked at Pickles, eyes widening slightly at the prospect that Nathan now knew.

"Did he tell Nathan?"

"Nah chill out, he don't know. Just fucking whined to me about it, should have seen his face dude. He looked fucking traumatized, only told me cause I used to play glam rock music so I should know about this shit."

Skwisgaar relaxed a bit at hearing that news.

"Good, I guess; I don't feel comfortable he told you though."

"I kind of wanted to talk about this shit anyway"

"Why?"

"I don't know, you think it's a good idea?"

"I don't see why not." Skwisgaar replied shrugging.

"Well there's age difference, it's not a good idea to be having sex with your band mates, and I don't see it ending all that well."

The age gap was something Skwisgaar admittedly thought very little about; he knew back home there was no problem and from what he'd heard several states thought sixteen and seventeen were legal as well. He knew he shouldn't have sex with his band mate, they hadn't gone that far yet and he wasn't entirely sure he really wanted to do that with him. He wanted to, but not right now or for awhile.

"We haven't had sex, just everything else."

"Whatever dude it's still not a good idea, like fuck what if the kid gets attached to you or some shit?"

It was too late for that; the two were together every chance that they got. When Skwisgaar had sex with other people it only resulted in Toki not talking to him for days unless it was to call him the nastiest things Skwisgaar had ever been called in any language.

"It's fine, I've got this under control."

"Just don't make us get another fucking guitarist. Alright dude?"

"Yeah, fine. Have you seen Nathan today?" He asked desperately wanting to not talk about his fragile relationship with the rhythm guitarist.

"Yeah him and Toki went out a couple hours ago, should be back soon."

The two fell into silence turning attention to the TV and whatever news story the female reporter was talking about. Skwisgaar didn't pay much attention to it, he was bored and had apparently slept half of the day. He was frustrated about the new songs and getting them worked out the way they needed to be, he was also now thinking about what kind of relationship he and Toki had.

They were friends and they were in a band together, they just happened to be intimate. That didn't mean anything and he didn't want that to mean anything; it just meant his friend was openly affectionate and tended to get upset when he got with other people. Skwisgaar realized for a moment he hadn't been with anybody else for awhile now, it was unusual. He didn't like coming off like he was committed to Toki, they were friends. That was it, he assumed the younger man understood that, but he knew better than that. He knew himself well enough to know he didn't think of it as just friends either. It was something deeper than that, he didn't like acknowledging that; he didn't like what it could possibly mean.

He felt relieved when the singer and rhythm guitarist returned home.

"Hey Nathan we need to talk about the new songs, I can't get the guitar parts down."

Nathan sat down on the recliner and Toki settled down next to Skwisgaar propping his feet on the older man's legs.

"Dude I fucking spent forever writing that shit, that's what I need it to sound like."

"I get that, yeah, but I can't get it. It doesn't feel right and it sounds like total crap when I try to play it. I spent the whole day working on it, can't we change it?"

The black haired man grunted.

"Look you come up with whatever your idea is, we'll test it out in the studio. If I think it works then we'll replace what I came up with and do what you want with the songs, but if it doesn't sound good then you need to figure this shit out."

"Fine that works for me."

Skwisgaar got up and went to his own room to re-work the guitar part to what he felt it should sound like. He found a copy of the lyrics to the songs and laid them out on his bed, he read over them repeatedly picturing the darkness, anguish, and cruelty between the lines of the words. He knew what Nathan wanted, but sometimes it was too mechanical even for himself. Skwisgaar played what automatically came into his mind, his fingers worked to their own accord and he tried to picture it all together in his head.

The sound of another guitar playing alongside him brought him from his reverie. Toki sat across from him, his own guitar on his lap; he played along with Skwisgaar keeping up a decent pace. What he played went from complimenting to almost matching and supporting him, but never enough to over power him. Skwisgaar thought about how with Magnus it had been a power struggle that always ended with Skwisgaar drained and submissive, too scared of being beaten or screamed at to try and play alongside his then friend.

This worked though.

"Hey hold on, I'm going to get the tape recorder out then we'll start over."

Skwisgaar got up and retrieved the small recorder from his top dresser drawer. He sat the device down between the two of them and hit record. They started from the beginning, Skwisgaar opened the track the sound of his playing was ominous giving a feeling of bad things yet to come, when Toki began playing it complimented giving a haunting quality. Some odd and terrible nightmare realm; Skwisgaar brought in the heavy fear and Toki brought in the sick dream like quality. As the song progressed they played quicker, speeds matching and intertwining. They kept their eyes on their instruments, but would look up and meet each others eyes from time to time. They would share smiles both knowing just how intimate and special something like this truly was. Within half an hour they got through the two songs Skwisgaar had the most problems with; he stopped the recorder and placed it back inside of his dresser. He returned to the bed kissing the top of the other man's head.

"That sounded really good Toki, you're getting better."

"I've been trying to practice more, I want to be ready for when we start recording and playing shows."

He knew the younger musician was nervous about playing in front of people, he had to admit he felt the same way. Skwisgaar had played plenty of shows in the past, but something about Dethklok felt different; everything about the band felt different in ways he couldn't explain.

"It shows, you'll be great by the time we start touring."

He wasn't fond of touring, he knew they didn't quite have the money to afford luxury. He wished that they did; he wanted to go in private planes and large tour buses, not windowless vans, crap airlines, and stay in Motel 8's. Toki on the other hand was fine with any of it; so long as he was with his new found family and getting to do something he thoroughly enjoyed he didn't care if they couldn't yet afford luxury.

"Are you still nervous?" Toki asked, he lay on his stomach looking up at the blond haired man.

"Not so much now, a little nervous if Nathan doesn't like the new guitar parts. Where did you guys go?"

"Just out, he wanted to go to a book store then the movie rental place. He didn't get anything though, I guess we don't got much money right now."

That wasn't surprising; they spent all the allowance money Ofdensen gave them on drugs and alcohol. They didn't think about saving it up since the lawyer always supplied them with food and occasionally even clothes when really needed.

"We'll get more next month, maybe actually buy something with it."

He doubted it, but if Nathan got bored enough he would set aside money to buy himself books and badly made horror films.

Skwisgaar lay down beside his friend, Toki turned onto his side so he could better face him. The lead guitarist threw his arm over his side, fingers rubbing against the small of his back. He gently kissed the younger man and tried to ignore just how casual and domestic this moment felt. Something about actual intimacy did bring up a sort of anxiety for him, he wasn't raised exactly knowing how a relationship should work or how to really treat your partner or to be treated by them. The idea of trying to be with somebody scared him and brought up a million different bad possibilities of how it could go wrong.

Toki kissed him bringing him back from those fears.

"You okay?"

"Just over thinking"

"About what?"

"Just my mom"

"You never talk about your parents" Toki commented

"Parent, I never met my father. I don't have a perfect relationship with my mom, I love her, but I also have a lot of problems with her."

She had tried her best and he knew that. She'd work bad part time jobs to keep him clothed and fed, but she also after he got a little bit older started relying solely on prostitution and the kindness of his countless 'fathers'.

"You can talk to me about it if you want, I told you about my family."

"My mom is...She's a slut and sometimes she has sex with men for money or she did last time I talked to her. I remember when I was little she used to work two jobs, she was tired a lot and we still didn't have much money. She'd drink on days off, I'd do her makeup and hair for her and then she'd go to find me a new father." He paused feeling the usual anxiety growing causing his stomach to hurt.

"When I was old enough she'd bring them home more openly, move some in too. They were never good men to her or to me, she stayed with them because she was lonely and because she liked having support money wise. She got over that though and just started having casual sex again, I swear to Odin she fucked half of Sweden. Maybe some of Norway too. It was...It wasn't really great."

He felt a bit spoiled complaining about it; after hearing what Toki had gone through growing up it made his problems seem stupid and miniscule. The younger man didn't scoff at him or tell him his problems weren't that bad.

"I'm sorry Skwis"

For a second he thought about telling him more, but his stomach hurt from just sharing what he did. They fell into a comfortable silence, broken only by occasional kisses; they only left their shared little world when Nathan called for them to come into the living room for a conference call with Ofdensen.


End file.
